Posts Tagged ‘Tea Party’

Cauldron of Hate reports on a political phenomenon that he swears “really is” sweeping the nation.

-LDPK

LEXINGTON, KY– At a Rand Paul rally in Lexington, KY, a “liberal activist” was forced to the ground and pinned there by the foot of a, we’ll call him, ‘zealous’ supporter of Rand Paul. The heated exchange between the two opposing activists ended in violence. This disturbing trend is gaining steam among the less intelligent supporters of candidates. Festooned in political stickers and, ironically, ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ pins, the activists look to “curb stomp their candidate into office”.

“Town hall meetings, debates, and political rallies are powderkegs of emotion and potential powerbombs. Fighting is the only way a society can protect its beliefs and strangle, uh I mean, silence dissidents.” , drawled one hulking, drooling man-oaf.

Witnesses distinctly heard this man at the scene seething, shouting, “More, more! Leg drop, leg drop!” He began throwing money, chairs, and trash cans. “Use em! Use em!”, he continued. I was able to pull him aside to speak to him. My “source” into the brawl, this man-oaf, labored on; beginning with the “dawn of man” he shoddily recapped the history of man’s desire to fight instead of reasonably discussing differences. “Man has always fought. Building a martial-political society around it only seems natural. Hell, this is my 4th beatdown this week. “ His clearly rehearsed essay on the history of fighting seemed to pique the interest of those around him. It appears as if this isn’t stopping any time soon. (more…)

Advertisements

” We’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the Toby Keith way!”

Another “Outsider Perspective” from the LDPK’s own embedded reporter, Cauldron of Hate. Where does this guy find his contacts?

FREEDOM, NE- The final name has been written. Thousands of Tea Party members got what they wanted. The petition was granted. Beginning back in early 2009, Tea Party members formed a petition to change the name of Omaha, Nebraska to Freedom, Nebraska due its resemblance to the leader of our nation’s last name. President Obama was unable to comment on the passing of the petition either out of scheduling conflicts or general lack of interest. “We can’t have our beautiful city being tied to The Commie-in-Chief any longer.”, one enraged,  intoxicated Freedom resident slurred. This “success” comes on the heels of a full, nationwide plan by Tea Partiers to “Americanize” more of the nation’s “leftist-titled city names”.

All across the US, petitions have been instated to change city names. Lebanon, PA will be become Uncle Sam, PA. Baghdad, GA is pushing to be called Jesus Christ, GA. Arab, AL has bitterly fought to become Never Forget, AL. And, of course, the controversial city of Death to Infidels, CO wants to be called Toby Keith, CO.

It has been determined that the push is being led by the Tea Party Kingpin known only as Everyman. We are unaware, at this time, of the identity of this disembodied sensationalist. What little information we have on him we gleaned from last month’s video diatribe “leaked” to the White House. Flanked on either side by men armed with rifles, the masked Party leader shouts epithets, through a Southern drawl, towards DC liberals for trying to “literally tax the pants off us” and for “spreading Communist propaganda like some mechanized, Communist Robin Hood. Spreading the wealth with its robotic, android arms.” From this video we can only deduce that he is lacking in intelligent metaphors and has a fascination with robots. The videos are sparse and of poor quality, appearing to be filmed in a cave or some rock-faced lean-to.

Along with the push to “Americanize” said cities, Tea Partiers are beginning to change names within our lexicon.  Shoddily assembled “Obama-villes” are popping up across the US. Unlike the “Hoovervilles” of the 1920’s, these shanty towns are not actually functioning. Party Members sleep, eat, and watch TV at home, only to drive to the Obama-villes to “trash the place up” and keep it “looking like the hell-hole that is our country right now”. Among Obama-villes, Obama Flags and Barack Blankets are making a comeback. “Clearly these are tryin’ times. An’ the best we can do is make The Commie unwelcome in these parts”, gummed a local business owner and Tea Party member.

At this time, the Tea Party has dropped affiliation with a loosely assembled group of “freedom fighters” pushing to change the word ‘gun’ in the dictionary. Proposed new names are “Commie Cannons” or, the less thought out, “Hand Held Freedom Propagators”. We are unsure why The Tea Party has dropped affiliation. However, when the announcement was made, many members snickered; offering subtle elbow jabs to one another. It is clear the Party has dropped affiliation purely for appearances. As one member failed to whisper, “Hey man, this idea’s too good pass up.”

” Look here, Faylene. I done made a sign what tells how I feel!”

BONNERS FERRY (LDPK News Affiliate) – Visitors to a Bonners Ferry, Idaho town hall meeting were met with a strange sight on Friday, when self-identifying Tea Party Libertarians agreed to—and did—take a stand for Obamacare.  Even more surprising was the method of conveying the message: paid advertising spots tattooed on the actual bodies of the Tea Partiers.

According to an unnamed Democratic Party operative, nine high-ranking members in the Idaho Citizen’s Reform Action Party (“ICRAP”)—the local manifestation of the Tea Party in Bonners Ferry—were paid an undisclosed sum to have one letter of the word “Obamacare” tattooed across each of their chests.  The letters, in Book Antigua font and tattoo green, ranged in size from twelve to twenty-four inches in height, depending on the girth of the bearer.  When instructed by operatives, the ICRAP leaders arranged themselves in the proper order in the middle of the crowd, spelling their message and enraging and confusing the other attendees at the meeting.

“I didn’t think they’d actually do it,” stated one of the operatives in charge of coordinating the raucous display of free speech.  “Apparently, a hundred bucks and a box of hollow point bullets goes pretty far with this crowd,” continued the operative.  When reminded that the operative had previously stated that he would not reveal the amount paid to each ICRAP member, the operative replied that “well, stuff happens . . . I mean they got everything they wanted.  We had over $100,000 budgeted for this operation, and all they asked for were the bullets.”  “We kinda gave them the money out of pity,” finished the operative.  “I threw this idea out as a joke one day, when things were a little crazy in the office after we got a hold of some bad Vietnamese food.  These guys took it to a whole new level.”

The members of ICRAP involved in the protest would not identify themselves for the purposes of this story, though “O” offered several comments as an unofficial spokesperson for the group.  “No I don’t feel like a sell-out,” stated O, “because I’m a libertarian.  My body is my property, and I should be able to sell it to someone else if I want to.  That’s the beauty of the free market: I sold my body to the highest bidder.”  When asked if he was troubled that he was “bought” by the Democratic Party, an organization generally considered to be the polar opposite of the Tea Party, O replied: “well that part kind of sucked, but they paid for it.  It’s not my job to tell them what to do with their property.”  Unprompted, O stated that he would “look like the rear quarter-panel of Kyle Busch’s car if somebody’d hook me up with some tickets to a Sarah Palin book signing.  I love what she has to say about politics, but she needs to learn how to respond to my letters.”