Posts Tagged ‘Stick a Boot in Yer Ass’

” We’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the Toby Keith way!”

Another “Outsider Perspective” from the LDPK’s own embedded reporter, Cauldron of Hate. Where does this guy find his contacts?

FREEDOM, NE- The final name has been written. Thousands of Tea Party members got what they wanted. The petition was granted. Beginning back in early 2009, Tea Party members formed a petition to change the name of Omaha, Nebraska to Freedom, Nebraska due its resemblance to the leader of our nation’s last name. President Obama was unable to comment on the passing of the petition either out of scheduling conflicts or general lack of interest. “We can’t have our beautiful city being tied to The Commie-in-Chief any longer.”, one enraged,  intoxicated Freedom resident slurred. This “success” comes on the heels of a full, nationwide plan by Tea Partiers to “Americanize” more of the nation’s “leftist-titled city names”.

All across the US, petitions have been instated to change city names. Lebanon, PA will be become Uncle Sam, PA. Baghdad, GA is pushing to be called Jesus Christ, GA. Arab, AL has bitterly fought to become Never Forget, AL. And, of course, the controversial city of Death to Infidels, CO wants to be called Toby Keith, CO.

It has been determined that the push is being led by the Tea Party Kingpin known only as Everyman. We are unaware, at this time, of the identity of this disembodied sensationalist. What little information we have on him we gleaned from last month’s video diatribe “leaked” to the White House. Flanked on either side by men armed with rifles, the masked Party leader shouts epithets, through a Southern drawl, towards DC liberals for trying to “literally tax the pants off us” and for “spreading Communist propaganda like some mechanized, Communist Robin Hood. Spreading the wealth with its robotic, android arms.” From this video we can only deduce that he is lacking in intelligent metaphors and has a fascination with robots. The videos are sparse and of poor quality, appearing to be filmed in a cave or some rock-faced lean-to.

Along with the push to “Americanize” said cities, Tea Partiers are beginning to change names within our lexicon.  Shoddily assembled “Obama-villes” are popping up across the US. Unlike the “Hoovervilles” of the 1920’s, these shanty towns are not actually functioning. Party Members sleep, eat, and watch TV at home, only to drive to the Obama-villes to “trash the place up” and keep it “looking like the hell-hole that is our country right now”. Among Obama-villes, Obama Flags and Barack Blankets are making a comeback. “Clearly these are tryin’ times. An’ the best we can do is make The Commie unwelcome in these parts”, gummed a local business owner and Tea Party member.

At this time, the Tea Party has dropped affiliation with a loosely assembled group of “freedom fighters” pushing to change the word ‘gun’ in the dictionary. Proposed new names are “Commie Cannons” or, the less thought out, “Hand Held Freedom Propagators”. We are unsure why The Tea Party has dropped affiliation. However, when the announcement was made, many members snickered; offering subtle elbow jabs to one another. It is clear the Party has dropped affiliation purely for appearances. As one member failed to whisper, “Hey man, this idea’s too good pass up.”