Posts Tagged ‘Politics’

Cauldron of Hate reports on a political phenomenon that he swears “really is” sweeping the nation.

-LDPK

LEXINGTON, KY– At a Rand Paul rally in Lexington, KY, a “liberal activist” was forced to the ground and pinned there by the foot of a, we’ll call him, ‘zealous’ supporter of Rand Paul. The heated exchange between the two opposing activists ended in violence. This disturbing trend is gaining steam among the less intelligent supporters of candidates. Festooned in political stickers and, ironically, ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ pins, the activists look to “curb stomp their candidate into office”.

“Town hall meetings, debates, and political rallies are powderkegs of emotion and potential powerbombs. Fighting is the only way a society can protect its beliefs and strangle, uh I mean, silence dissidents.” , drawled one hulking, drooling man-oaf.

Witnesses distinctly heard this man at the scene seething, shouting, “More, more! Leg drop, leg drop!” He began throwing money, chairs, and trash cans. “Use em! Use em!”, he continued. I was able to pull him aside to speak to him. My “source” into the brawl, this man-oaf, labored on; beginning with the “dawn of man” he shoddily recapped the history of man’s desire to fight instead of reasonably discussing differences. “Man has always fought. Building a martial-political society around it only seems natural. Hell, this is my 4th beatdown this week. “ His clearly rehearsed essay on the history of fighting seemed to pique the interest of those around him. It appears as if this isn’t stopping any time soon. (more…)

Most ideologues are ugly. Nothing against them, but it’s the truth. Just look at what poor Karl Marx was working with.

Anyway, it’s really a shame, because ugly thinkers and ideologues are starting to completely ruin America’s most influential show business: politics.

Work with me.

If you haven’t realized that we consider our modern political system to be anything more than an incredibly expensive stage-play, then well…we consider our modern political system to be nothing more than an incredibly expensive stage-play.

In all other fictions that we participate in, we expect a certain aesthetic benchmark to be met. Who wants to watch anything on TV that features regular people as unattractive as you are ( do you hear me Public Television?).  It doesn’t happen. You want to see caricatures of yourself; handsome, successful caricatures.

Why aren’t we demanding the same thing from the politicans we ( you) elect to tell us stories about the way things really are? It’s a double standard. A double standard the LDPK is about to start opposing.

The Lazer Dragon Party Kollective is suggesting that the nation adopt a little system we came up with called the Political Avatar System. (more…)

Come on. They sign everyone else’s pledges.

Every political party and third-party group out there has some pledge or contract for politicians and toadies ( candidates) to sign. Usually it’s something pretty open-ended like “ I promise not to raise taxes.” Other groups go for pledges they can get candidates to sign with little trouble, like “ I pledge not to personally club infant Harp seals.”

Obviously these pledges have been working pretty well, as seal clubbing has all but disappeared in the highest levels of government.

We admit that some of the more conventional political parties have gotten the drop on us in the pledge department, and we’re doing everything we can to remedy the situation. Let’s be honest. Why would you do anything if you’re not trying to win? Exactly. Unless you’re one of those people who drink because you like the taste.

While we don’t consider ourselves part of the nation’s system (read “ cesspool of wasted time and effort”), and really couldn’t give a rat’s ass about what the GOP and Democratic parties do, we all hate the idea of them winning at making stuff up. Oh that’s right. We could spend the rest of our lives writing fan fiction addendums to the Left Behind series and never come close to matching the fantasy world invented by our two-party system!

That said, we’re going to give this pledge thing a shot.

That’s why the LDPK has recently formed the “High Committee on Making Sh*t Up,” ( HCOMSU) and ordered them to come up with a list of pledges and moral contracts to send out to elected officials and candidates.

After feverishly working through Happy Hour, the HCOMSU came up with the following offerings:

– Pledge to bring America back to Americans: It just sounds nice.

– The No Daytime-Sex Pledge: Protecting what made America great: sex under cover of darkness.

– Contract with Sasquatch: A pledge to fight for all Americans who long for freedom from fear.

– Beers for Tears: A pledge to grow government alcohol subsidies for the willfully unemployed.

– The I Love Freedom Pledge: a promise to strangle a terrorist with your bare hands before taking office.

Seriously, pick the pledge that most indicates what you’re looking for in an elected official ( or write your own), and we will make it up and send it out.

It’s porch time.