Posts Tagged ‘Lazer Dragon Party Kollective’


“If the neighbors don’t like it, they can go back inside.” – Herbie, an unwitting LDPK member

As the temperature drops, and the trees head in for a wardrobe change, party members and non-party members alike may hear a sweet and seductive voice on the breeze whispering ” Oktoberfest.”

While that sultry voice could turn out to be discocowboi after a few lagers, it could also be Autumn urging you to throw a party for your friends.

Consider this: School is back in, memories from summer vacation are fading fast, and the football season is just far enough in to let you know your team isn’t going far.

While many a haggard desk jockey would be overwhelmed by these circumstances (and perhaps try to overcome them by wearing that flannel shirt your wife said made you look “brawny” ten years ago), the LDPK encourages you to get off your ass, and go show the rest of your boring neighbors how to have a good time.

The first rule of throwing a good party in October is “don’t get stressed” in the planning stage.

Partying is about thinking on the good times and showing hospitality to your friends. Plus, chances are you have a neighbor in the GOP who is stressing out enough to cover everyone else who comes to your party.  If you should start to worry about the guest list, or how many brats to buy, just stroll out in the front yard, locate your GOP neighbor and pass that stress right off to him.

Usually a simple ” Hey Rick, I sure hope those environmentalists don’t come after you for burning leaves!” will suffice. On to provisions.

A one-stop-shop exists for you to plan and provision your October party: The beer aisle.

In this cool, calming environment you think on the joys ahead of you, and also facilitate the joys ahead of you with a few well-chosen purchases. Be sure not to skimp on quantity. Bear in mind that a party well stocked with beer will never wind down early. You can have the best food in the world, but when the annoying guy who got the pity invite cracks the last can in the ice tub, you can bet that the the party is going to be over soon.

Many people would -wrongly- tell you that you must purchase Oktoberfests, Marzens and Bocks if you are to throw a real Oktober party. These people are also fat men eating sausages in little leather shorts, so turn right around and walk to the other side of the aisle; the aisle where cheap American lager can be found in large quantity for little cost.

Your guests long to enjoy the weather and your company, not to quibble over how much hops was involved in the brewing process. Grab those cans of Bud and bottles of PBR, and get back to your porch.

Whatever you do, don’t make the rookie mistake of not purchasing an extra stock for you to consume whilst cleaning, cooking and waiting for your guests. No one wants to show up and see you completely sober. You know your strengths and weaknesses. Be man enough to admit that personality is under the “weakness” list, and let Sweet Lady High Life step in where nature left off.

Now that you have enough beer ( and hopefully ice) to keep the party going no matter what, consider the other necessities.

Let’s be honest, having to eat a bunch of foods with plastic utensils is a Tea Party-rally-level pain in the ass. You have to awkwardly manipulate your soggy plate, spork and bottle, while trying to listen to the boring man from the cul-de-sac tell you about the Ford Freestyle’s safety rating. Move past that. No one needs salad at your party. Keep the foods limited to items you can consume Grendel style with your bare hands. Wings, brats, hotdogs and ribs are all fine examples of truly considerate grilling fare. Trays of carrots and what-not can more than meet the requirement for healthy side dishes.

Let’s say you heed this wisdom, and things are going great at your party.  You’re on your porch with strategically-placed coolers of beer, eating wings without the handicap of utensils, and surveying the grateful faces of your friends. It’s time for the coup-de-grace. Tunes.

Good music can take the party from regular “good,” to “ThreeBillz just lost his shirt and is halfway up the chimney” good. Put together a solid playlist of party-friendly tracks on iTunes well before the day of your party. Spend some time on it; people will notice. If you don’t have iTunes, try out, an internet radio site where you can easily construct a mix of songs that fits your party.

Be willing to subject your own preferences to for the greater good of the party – or “kollective” if you will. If you know someone is going to spend the night bitching about you playing urban tunes (rap), then intersperse your choices with some more sedate Motown or classic 80’s jams. Side note: If you don’t like Motown then you have no business throwing a party, and if you invited someone who doesn’t, then again, you shouldn’t be throwing a party.

Who knows? Your strategic playlist could in turn result in spontaneous dancing, which of course means you just got turned up to eleven. When you see the huddled masses of overwrought suburbanites liberated by the power of music and beer on your own porch, you will know what it means to be a Lazer Dragon.

So there you have it. Get a lot of cheap beer, wings, and a good playlist, and throw a party that will make a real difference in the community. LDPK style.

As one of the cooler neighbors we know once said-

” If the neighbors don’t like it, they can go back inside.”

“Who told you not to dance?”

The Men Who Stare At Goats (2009).

Starring George Clooney, Ewan MacGregor, and Jeff Bridges, The Men Who Stare At Goats epitomizes the LDPK’s commitment to pacifism in the face of overwhelming odds.  The film also has a strong pro-party message, emphasizing that strength is found when friends commit to have fun, even as the world comes crashing down around them.  In the end it is these values that prevail, not those of the corrupt regimes that have confused the minds of billions.

Sometimes fighting for freedom means introducing a lot of LSD into the water supply of a military base.

Follow the Jedi way, my friends.

– discocowboi

A daily sight for an LDPK member.

On Monday morning I woke up somewhat depressed.

Before the memories of a weekend “wasted” (if you know what I’m sayin’!) are completely erased, I stumbled to the fridge. On the top rack sits an old friend.

“Hello Sweet Lady, want to join me in the shower?”

A few minutes later I feel the incredible sensation of…the shower beer.

Some of you readers may have never experienced the shower beer. Some of you may wake up after a night of partying, skip both the shower and the beer, and head straight for the Waffle House in an attempt to ward off the hangover blues with a greasy spoon. Let me tell you there ain’t a thing in this world quite as satisfying as kicking back a cold brew whilst taking a warm shower (well maybe one thing, but we’re trying to keep it PG-13). Ahhh…the sweet serenity of two of man’s greatest achievements, beer and indoor plumbing.

So men and women, I challenge you to take up this charge: start your day off right while you shower this morning. As a matter of fact shotgun a beer for breakfast, then mix yourself a gin and orange juice and nurse that warm buzz all day.


The Shower Beer

Welcome to Bliss

This Logo Is Less Embarrassing Than Anyone You Will Ever Vote For

WASHINGTON, D.C. (LDPK News Affiliate) – The United States Department of Justice (DOJ) announced Monday in a report that the newly formed Lazer Dragon Party Collective—the “LDPK”—has been added to the DOJ’s the little-known Non-Watch List, the opposite of the much-popularized Terrorist Watch List.  A group’s placement on the Non-Watch List usually indicates that the Federal Government views the group as “less than a threat,” a category reserved for organizations considered “laughable” by law enforcement agencies.

An official for DOJ, speaking on the condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the report, commented on the department’s decision: “Quite frankly, these guys do nothing whatsoever that is worth monitoring,” said the official.  “I mean, I was kind of hoping, for their sake, that their activities were exciting enough to spend a little money wiretapping their phones, but it’s just not there,” continued the official.  “The only threat these guys pose to anything is the fact that they regularly deprive the local corner store of its supply of cheap beer, and that’s about it.”  The official would not elaborate further, though he did add that he “forgot to mention that they do eat a lot of Thai food, which is kind of odd.”

The report notes that the DOJ performed a preliminary evaluation of the LDPK by placing an informant in their ranks throughout the summer of 2010.  The informant—who would not reveal his identity in a telephone interview for this article, though he sounded as if he were tall and had red hair—recounted his experience at one of the first meetings of the Lazer Dragons: “It was, like, nonstop dancing.  Dancing, dancing, dancing . . . and menthol cigarettes.  How could I forget about the menthols?  I think I’m going to smell like a bowling alley for about a year.”