Posts Tagged ‘discocowboi’

discocowboi: I hate myself for loving you.

Compelled by destiny and tormented by fate, LPDK party leadership continued upon their epic quest to conquer their list of ultra-cheap, highly criticized brews.  Fighting through the scorn (and the taste) party leaders bravely battled through a twelve pack of Busch Ice, and emerged victorious over yet another bottom-of-the-barrel brew.

At the end of the experience, party members sat exhausted and impressed by the sheer scale of their accomplishment.  “An accomplishment worthy of song throughout the ages,” in the words of LPDK’s own Magnus of Longshanks.

In other words, it was a normal Wednesday night at party headquarters.

Initial reviews of Busch Ice, taken from sips of the beer while not yet cold (in order to see what it’s like “without any makeup,” according to Magnus) were mixed:

Magnus: “This stuff takes like metal.”

cauldronofhate: “When I bring it to my mouth to take a sip, I catch a whiff of a B.O.-type smell.”

discocowboi: “I like it…. what?”

Though 2 of 3 of the party members present had no taste for the beer, LDPK leadership are not ones to back away from a challenge.  Thus, the group headed to the porch to finish the unpleasant task at hand.  Buoyed by camaraderie, and steeled by the sweet taste of Black & Mild wood tip wine-flavored cigars, party leadership slew the beast at hand in a few hours of “erudite”* conversation doused with puerile giggling.

“Yeah we’re never doing that again,” insisted cauldron.  “That stuff was terrible… no more ice beers for a while,” responded Magnus.  Apparently oblivious to the conversation, discocowboi kept asking for popcorn and mumbling that he was “not having a good time.”  But at the end of the day, Busch Ice became yet another cheap beer notched into LDPK’s collective bedpost.  Wholly unremarkable save for the slight stench of body odor, Busch Ice has nonetheless been vanquished and reviewed for the benefit of LDPK’s readership.  On to Beer #3…

*”erudite” is LDPK parlance for “excessive Lord of the Rings references.”  To demonstrate, Busch Ice apparently makes Magnus feel as if he is King Theoden of Rohan: “If this $6.75 ice lager is to be the end of us, then I would have it be such an end as to be worthy of remembrance in song!”  And then later, as a roach scurries across the porch and Magnus tries to enlist other party members in the futile attempt to kill it: “DEATH!  DEATH! RIDE TO RUIN, AND THE WORLD’S ENDING!”

That must be a sublime hotdog

Recently, the highest levels of LDPK leadership joined with our own imbedded reporter “cauldronofhate” to defeat a list of cheap beers that we had heretofore been too embarrassed to purchase. This quest was embarked on after one LDPK member announced his plan to try to “beat” all the cheap beers at his local grocery store by drinking them alone. Another of the members present pointed out, ” why beat it alone, when we can all beat it together?”

That weekend we were on the porch with a case if Milwaukee’s Best Ice.

When we talk about a “Beers o’ Shame List,” you know the brews we’re talking about. The beers from across the tracks that you’ve always been curious about, but always been too embarrassed to actually buy. The LDPK is taking that step for you. These beers are the like the fat girl you don’t want your buddies to know you actually have a thing for. There’s a lot there to love, but you don’t necessarily want to take the relationship public. Well, the LDPK just took a case of Beast Ice out to meet the boys.

First off, yes, it was embarrassing to buy Beast Ice. Second, when it is cooled down in the freezer to just above freezing, the beverage is pretty much indiscernable from any other cheap ( very cheap) beer.

Here are a few scientific notes on The Beast Ice:

– It tastes like sheet metal.

– Don’t drink this unless it is uncomfortably cold outside. There needs to be an element of distraction when dealing with the crafty and powerful beer. You don’t want to be focused on the taste; that would be like deconstructing Wayne’s World 2.

– This had a noticeably more potent affect on Magnus of Longshanks than it did on discocowboi. Why this is, we don’t know, but Magnus did giggle alot (which was weird).

– The cans look pretty cool.

Here’s where you get into trouble with Beast Ice. Unlike most cheap American lagers, The Beast Ice is 6% ABV. It doesn’t seem like much, but if you’re committing to drinking a lot of cheap,watery beer over the course of the evening, it’s going to get you into trouble. It exists to get you messed up fast, and for under 7 dollars. Hey, it’s a market niche, but probably not one you want to live in.

As cauldronofhate put it, ” It made me feel alive, yet made me aware of the proximity of alcoholism.”

Overall, The Beast Ice was drinkable. Not in the way Riesling is “drinkable,” but literally in the ” the best thing this drink has going for it is that it’s a cold liquid” way.  Unless you’re throwing a party for street people you might want to avoid Beast Ice.

If you were to try it out ( seriously, try it for yourself) the LDPK  – ok, mainly discocowboi – highly recommends accompanying the drink with a Black N Mild. If you don’t know what that is…we’re just sorry.

Now that the Beast Ice has been vanquished, the LDPK leadership is moving on to another ” Beer of Shame” to taste. Stay tuned!

-LDPK

” Look here, Faylene. I done made a sign what tells how I feel!”

BONNERS FERRY (LDPK News Affiliate) – Visitors to a Bonners Ferry, Idaho town hall meeting were met with a strange sight on Friday, when self-identifying Tea Party Libertarians agreed to—and did—take a stand for Obamacare.  Even more surprising was the method of conveying the message: paid advertising spots tattooed on the actual bodies of the Tea Partiers.

According to an unnamed Democratic Party operative, nine high-ranking members in the Idaho Citizen’s Reform Action Party (“ICRAP”)—the local manifestation of the Tea Party in Bonners Ferry—were paid an undisclosed sum to have one letter of the word “Obamacare” tattooed across each of their chests.  The letters, in Book Antigua font and tattoo green, ranged in size from twelve to twenty-four inches in height, depending on the girth of the bearer.  When instructed by operatives, the ICRAP leaders arranged themselves in the proper order in the middle of the crowd, spelling their message and enraging and confusing the other attendees at the meeting.

“I didn’t think they’d actually do it,” stated one of the operatives in charge of coordinating the raucous display of free speech.  “Apparently, a hundred bucks and a box of hollow point bullets goes pretty far with this crowd,” continued the operative.  When reminded that the operative had previously stated that he would not reveal the amount paid to each ICRAP member, the operative replied that “well, stuff happens . . . I mean they got everything they wanted.  We had over $100,000 budgeted for this operation, and all they asked for were the bullets.”  “We kinda gave them the money out of pity,” finished the operative.  “I threw this idea out as a joke one day, when things were a little crazy in the office after we got a hold of some bad Vietnamese food.  These guys took it to a whole new level.”

The members of ICRAP involved in the protest would not identify themselves for the purposes of this story, though “O” offered several comments as an unofficial spokesperson for the group.  “No I don’t feel like a sell-out,” stated O, “because I’m a libertarian.  My body is my property, and I should be able to sell it to someone else if I want to.  That’s the beauty of the free market: I sold my body to the highest bidder.”  When asked if he was troubled that he was “bought” by the Democratic Party, an organization generally considered to be the polar opposite of the Tea Party, O replied: “well that part kind of sucked, but they paid for it.  It’s not my job to tell them what to do with their property.”  Unprompted, O stated that he would “look like the rear quarter-panel of Kyle Busch’s car if somebody’d hook me up with some tickets to a Sarah Palin book signing.  I love what she has to say about politics, but she needs to learn how to respond to my letters.”