Posts Tagged ‘beer’

discocowboi: I hate myself for loving you.

Compelled by destiny and tormented by fate, LPDK party leadership continued upon their epic quest to conquer their list of ultra-cheap, highly criticized brews.  Fighting through the scorn (and the taste) party leaders bravely battled through a twelve pack of Busch Ice, and emerged victorious over yet another bottom-of-the-barrel brew.

At the end of the experience, party members sat exhausted and impressed by the sheer scale of their accomplishment.  “An accomplishment worthy of song throughout the ages,” in the words of LPDK’s own Magnus of Longshanks.

In other words, it was a normal Wednesday night at party headquarters.

Initial reviews of Busch Ice, taken from sips of the beer while not yet cold (in order to see what it’s like “without any makeup,” according to Magnus) were mixed:

Magnus: “This stuff takes like metal.”

cauldronofhate: “When I bring it to my mouth to take a sip, I catch a whiff of a B.O.-type smell.”

discocowboi: “I like it…. what?”

Though 2 of 3 of the party members present had no taste for the beer, LDPK leadership are not ones to back away from a challenge.  Thus, the group headed to the porch to finish the unpleasant task at hand.  Buoyed by camaraderie, and steeled by the sweet taste of Black & Mild wood tip wine-flavored cigars, party leadership slew the beast at hand in a few hours of “erudite”* conversation doused with puerile giggling.

“Yeah we’re never doing that again,” insisted cauldron.  “That stuff was terrible… no more ice beers for a while,” responded Magnus.  Apparently oblivious to the conversation, discocowboi kept asking for popcorn and mumbling that he was “not having a good time.”  But at the end of the day, Busch Ice became yet another cheap beer notched into LDPK’s collective bedpost.  Wholly unremarkable save for the slight stench of body odor, Busch Ice has nonetheless been vanquished and reviewed for the benefit of LDPK’s readership.  On to Beer #3…

*”erudite” is LDPK parlance for “excessive Lord of the Rings references.”  To demonstrate, Busch Ice apparently makes Magnus feel as if he is King Theoden of Rohan: “If this $6.75 ice lager is to be the end of us, then I would have it be such an end as to be worthy of remembrance in song!”  And then later, as a roach scurries across the porch and Magnus tries to enlist other party members in the futile attempt to kill it: “DEATH!  DEATH! RIDE TO RUIN, AND THE WORLD’S ENDING!”

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That must be a sublime hotdog

Recently, the highest levels of LDPK leadership joined with our own imbedded reporter “cauldronofhate” to defeat a list of cheap beers that we had heretofore been too embarrassed to purchase. This quest was embarked on after one LDPK member announced his plan to try to “beat” all the cheap beers at his local grocery store by drinking them alone. Another of the members present pointed out, ” why beat it alone, when we can all beat it together?”

That weekend we were on the porch with a case if Milwaukee’s Best Ice.

When we talk about a “Beers o’ Shame List,” you know the brews we’re talking about. The beers from across the tracks that you’ve always been curious about, but always been too embarrassed to actually buy. The LDPK is taking that step for you. These beers are the like the fat girl you don’t want your buddies to know you actually have a thing for. There’s a lot there to love, but you don’t necessarily want to take the relationship public. Well, the LDPK just took a case of Beast Ice out to meet the boys.

First off, yes, it was embarrassing to buy Beast Ice. Second, when it is cooled down in the freezer to just above freezing, the beverage is pretty much indiscernable from any other cheap ( very cheap) beer.

Here are a few scientific notes on The Beast Ice:

– It tastes like sheet metal.

– Don’t drink this unless it is uncomfortably cold outside. There needs to be an element of distraction when dealing with the crafty and powerful beer. You don’t want to be focused on the taste; that would be like deconstructing Wayne’s World 2.

– This had a noticeably more potent affect on Magnus of Longshanks than it did on discocowboi. Why this is, we don’t know, but Magnus did giggle alot (which was weird).

– The cans look pretty cool.

Here’s where you get into trouble with Beast Ice. Unlike most cheap American lagers, The Beast Ice is 6% ABV. It doesn’t seem like much, but if you’re committing to drinking a lot of cheap,watery beer over the course of the evening, it’s going to get you into trouble. It exists to get you messed up fast, and for under 7 dollars. Hey, it’s a market niche, but probably not one you want to live in.

As cauldronofhate put it, ” It made me feel alive, yet made me aware of the proximity of alcoholism.”

Overall, The Beast Ice was drinkable. Not in the way Riesling is “drinkable,” but literally in the ” the best thing this drink has going for it is that it’s a cold liquid” way.  Unless you’re throwing a party for street people you might want to avoid Beast Ice.

If you were to try it out ( seriously, try it for yourself) the LDPK  – ok, mainly discocowboi – highly recommends accompanying the drink with a Black N Mild. If you don’t know what that is…we’re just sorry.

Now that the Beast Ice has been vanquished, the LDPK leadership is moving on to another ” Beer of Shame” to taste. Stay tuned!

-LDPK

 

“If the neighbors don’t like it, they can go back inside.” – Herbie, an unwitting LDPK member

As the temperature drops, and the trees head in for a wardrobe change, party members and non-party members alike may hear a sweet and seductive voice on the breeze whispering ” Oktoberfest.”

While that sultry voice could turn out to be discocowboi after a few lagers, it could also be Autumn urging you to throw a party for your friends.

Consider this: School is back in, memories from summer vacation are fading fast, and the football season is just far enough in to let you know your team isn’t going far.

While many a haggard desk jockey would be overwhelmed by these circumstances (and perhaps try to overcome them by wearing that flannel shirt your wife said made you look “brawny” ten years ago), the LDPK encourages you to get off your ass, and go show the rest of your boring neighbors how to have a good time.

The first rule of throwing a good party in October is “don’t get stressed” in the planning stage.

Partying is about thinking on the good times and showing hospitality to your friends. Plus, chances are you have a neighbor in the GOP who is stressing out enough to cover everyone else who comes to your party.  If you should start to worry about the guest list, or how many brats to buy, just stroll out in the front yard, locate your GOP neighbor and pass that stress right off to him.

Usually a simple ” Hey Rick, I sure hope those environmentalists don’t come after you for burning leaves!” will suffice. On to provisions.

A one-stop-shop exists for you to plan and provision your October party: The beer aisle.

In this cool, calming environment you think on the joys ahead of you, and also facilitate the joys ahead of you with a few well-chosen purchases. Be sure not to skimp on quantity. Bear in mind that a party well stocked with beer will never wind down early. You can have the best food in the world, but when the annoying guy who got the pity invite cracks the last can in the ice tub, you can bet that the the party is going to be over soon.

Many people would -wrongly- tell you that you must purchase Oktoberfests, Marzens and Bocks if you are to throw a real Oktober party. These people are also fat men eating sausages in little leather shorts, so turn right around and walk to the other side of the aisle; the aisle where cheap American lager can be found in large quantity for little cost.

Your guests long to enjoy the weather and your company, not to quibble over how much hops was involved in the brewing process. Grab those cans of Bud and bottles of PBR, and get back to your porch.

Whatever you do, don’t make the rookie mistake of not purchasing an extra stock for you to consume whilst cleaning, cooking and waiting for your guests. No one wants to show up and see you completely sober. You know your strengths and weaknesses. Be man enough to admit that personality is under the “weakness” list, and let Sweet Lady High Life step in where nature left off.

Now that you have enough beer ( and hopefully ice) to keep the party going no matter what, consider the other necessities.

Let’s be honest, having to eat a bunch of foods with plastic utensils is a Tea Party-rally-level pain in the ass. You have to awkwardly manipulate your soggy plate, spork and bottle, while trying to listen to the boring man from the cul-de-sac tell you about the Ford Freestyle’s safety rating. Move past that. No one needs salad at your party. Keep the foods limited to items you can consume Grendel style with your bare hands. Wings, brats, hotdogs and ribs are all fine examples of truly considerate grilling fare. Trays of carrots and what-not can more than meet the requirement for healthy side dishes.

Let’s say you heed this wisdom, and things are going great at your party.  You’re on your porch with strategically-placed coolers of beer, eating wings without the handicap of utensils, and surveying the grateful faces of your friends. It’s time for the coup-de-grace. Tunes.

Good music can take the party from regular “good,” to “ThreeBillz just lost his shirt and is halfway up the chimney” good. Put together a solid playlist of party-friendly tracks on iTunes well before the day of your party. Spend some time on it; people will notice. If you don’t have iTunes, try out Grooveshark.com, an internet radio site where you can easily construct a mix of songs that fits your party.

Be willing to subject your own preferences to for the greater good of the party – or “kollective” if you will. If you know someone is going to spend the night bitching about you playing urban tunes (rap), then intersperse your choices with some more sedate Motown or classic 80’s jams. Side note: If you don’t like Motown then you have no business throwing a party, and if you invited someone who doesn’t, then again, you shouldn’t be throwing a party.

Who knows? Your strategic playlist could in turn result in spontaneous dancing, which of course means you just got turned up to eleven. When you see the huddled masses of overwrought suburbanites liberated by the power of music and beer on your own porch, you will know what it means to be a Lazer Dragon.

So there you have it. Get a lot of cheap beer, wings, and a good playlist, and throw a party that will make a real difference in the community. LDPK style.

As one of the cooler neighbors we know once said-

” If the neighbors don’t like it, they can go back inside.”

Unidentified Imbedded Journalist

The following article was written by a journalist embedded in the LDPK party structure. Obviously the story below is his perspective, and his interpretation of events that may or may not have taken place. Look for more of his coverage in the days to come. What he draws on his napkins is his business.

-LDPK

The South, Undisclosed City- Finding myself without an article to write for this Sunday’s paper, I begrudgingly sorted through the numerous press releases on my desk. On top of the pile, written on a cocktail napkin, was a release for a lethargic yet “unstoppable” political party, the ‘Lazer Dragon Party Kollective’. The “document” states:

“Just as legitimate. Half as embarrassing.”

We are a freedom-focused, loosely-structured political party that was founded in 2009 by a group of thinkers who found themselves disillusioned with the political structures they felt they were being forced into. We like each other, we like peace, we like partying, we like truth. Dragons are awesome; lazers are awesome.  Neither one of them gets less awesome by being put with the other, so we felt we might as well name our party after something we found personally impressive…”

**Editor’s Note** The remainder of the note is unintelligibly scrawled across BBQ sauce stains and grease. Undoubtedly this LPDK official meeting was held at either some buffet-style restaurant or a trough.

I arrived in time for an official meeting. Very little politics were discussed. In fact, 80’s pop rock seemed to be the subject of the night. I quickly took out my pad and pen, and was quickly derided by a senior member for “killing his buzz with my fancy book.” The afternoon progressed in typical college-dorm fashion. Arguments flared and died as soon as they started. Heated debates were replaced by even hotter dance sessions. Exhausting all Grooveshark had to offer, they picked up the party and moved inside. The event was an assault on the senses. The smell of sweaty, swarthy bodies akimbo, a raucous symphony of cans thrown into nearby “trash holes” (essentially, the beds of party members’ trucks), the feeling that I could just as soon be mugged as hugged; it was an orgiastic feast for the senses.

Glimpses of structure and organization peeked through at times. I had the requisite beer to make them feel at ease about my presence. The party hit stride around 11 pm. That ethereal zone where one is not quite drunk, but far from sober. Either exhausted from dancing or content with what all it had to offer, they began to settle down. They let me into their world. Discussions flowed from politics, to religion, to history. I arrived thinking I would leave beaten and broken from drunken hazing. Instead, I was thrashed by truth and aroused by cynicism; I was thinking for the first time in my life. Inspired by the muse of booze, these gentlemen spoke of the disillusionment of politics and its associated, unavoidable apathy. LDPK’s intentions are clear and uncompromising: party until politics makes sense, then party some more. They trade smarmy campaigns for dance parties, Sophistry for cogency.

Leaving, I looked back upon a wasteland of beer cans, overturned tables, and collapsed bodies. Serious work had been done that night, legitimate work. My physical and political senses were dulled. I was as an infant: hungover, party-less, and yearning for freedom. Cigarette butts clogged the treads of my shoes. My notepad, now filled with drawings of penises and dragons, wet with bourbon. A new party haphazardly assembled, yet undeniably elegant: Lazer Dragon Party Kollective.

That meeting was over, but the party has only just begun…

A daily sight for an LDPK member.

On Monday morning I woke up somewhat depressed.

Before the memories of a weekend “wasted” (if you know what I’m sayin’!) are completely erased, I stumbled to the fridge. On the top rack sits an old friend.

“Hello Sweet Lady, want to join me in the shower?”

A few minutes later I feel the incredible sensation of…the shower beer.

Some of you readers may have never experienced the shower beer. Some of you may wake up after a night of partying, skip both the shower and the beer, and head straight for the Waffle House in an attempt to ward off the hangover blues with a greasy spoon. Let me tell you there ain’t a thing in this world quite as satisfying as kicking back a cold brew whilst taking a warm shower (well maybe one thing, but we’re trying to keep it PG-13). Ahhh…the sweet serenity of two of man’s greatest achievements, beer and indoor plumbing.

So men and women, I challenge you to take up this charge: start your day off right while you shower this morning. As a matter of fact shotgun a beer for breakfast, then mix yourself a gin and orange juice and nurse that warm buzz all day.

Sláinte

The Shower Beer

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