Posts Tagged ‘Backwoods’

He swears these are real contacts-


A COT SOMEWHERE IN OREGON– As I reported last week, all across America people are pushing for change. This time, it is from the previously unheard of demographic of paranoid, feminist war veterans. What I could deduce from the “press release” written on a piece of aluminum foil, these women submit that the government is asexual. Therefore, the “hook-nosed, iron-fisted personification of the government” should no longer be called “The Man”, but instead “The Person”.

I tracked down the group’s leader fashioning a crude dwelling from boxes and rags. “We’ve been railing against the government for years now.” Shouted Barbara “Backwoods” Thomas.  “The Man has been in charge for long enough. The Person is here to stay.” They appear to offer no actual social change though; favoring painting their vans with virulent, misspelled demands.

Upon returning from the Vietnam War, they had to accept a world in which ‘The MAN’ denied them their benefits,’ The MAN’ stole their thoughts, and ‘The MAN’ tried to irradiate the water supply in some convoluted scheme to censor Tim Robbins. “We had to adapt to the new lives given to us. Gloria over there works on keeping the mind-rays from crossing the jambs of our houses. Theresa seems to have found a way to synthesize bandanas from household chemicals. We all have roles.”

This rag-tag coterie of feminists survive by banding together to fight our “shape-shifting reptilian humanoid president.” All they would like is some respect from their male paranoid, survivalist counterparts. “Backwoods” Thomas states, “We’ve heard for years about how The Man keeps us down and tries to steal our organs. We don’t disagree. We just want the claw-fingered, hunched-back, shyster-government metaphor playing field leveled.”