Come on people…

Posted: October 18, 2010 by Magnus of Longshanks in From the Porch:
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It’s good to know our government is focused on true justice and equity.

Last week, headlines were ablaze with news of T.I. ( the rapper? come on!) talking a man out of jumping off a building. Everywhere you turned people were excited – and probably surprised – to read about a celebrity using their fame to actually help someone out. Whatever you think about rap ( talking to you, ginger), that’s pretty legit.

Uh oh! It seems acting in a genuinely humanitarian way isn’t enough to compensate for the evils of familiarity with Mary Jane. Against all odds, police just happened to come across TI’s ride and smell “smoke.” Come on, people. Of course he’s lighting up in his garishly-rimmed vehicle. We’ve all seen the music videos. Aren’t there some actual safety issues in the community to be dealt with? Again, come on people!

Why not just include mandatory testing for weed along with mandatory census forms? That way, the government could make a clean sweep of locking up the worst element of society all at once: weed smokers. Sure, massive swaths of the workforce – and Hollywood – would be joining TI for the next year or so, but at least young people would learn that the dangers of prison are nothing compared to what marijuana could make you do!

Oh well.

This ad represents the real issue. Michael Phelps the greatest swimmer in the effing world is a known pot smoker. What the hell is wrong with the people who make these ads? Do they realize this is propaganda?

Marijuana prohibition is based on racism and limiting of a free market economy. Don’t believe me read these quotes that were a big part of Henry Anslinger’s anti marijuana push of the 40’s.

“There are 100,000 total marijuana smokers in the US, and most are Negroes, Hispanics, Filipinos, and entertainers. Their Satanic music, jazz, and swing, result from marijuana use. This marijuana causes white women to seek sexual relations with Negroes, entertainers, and any others.”

“…the primary reason to outlaw marijuana is its effect on the degenerate races.”

“Marijuana is an addictive drug which produces in its users insanity, criminality, and death.”

“Reefer makes darkies think they’re as good as white men.”

“Marihuana leads to pacifism and communist brainwashing”

“You smoke a joint and you’re likely to kill your brother.”

“Marijuana is the most violence-causing drug in the history of mankind.”

After reading those you can see the history of marijuana, it is not based in scientific fact but on sensationalist media and racism.

Read this article for a broad and interesting history of Marijuana prohibition, Why is Marijuana Illegal? .

Read the rest of this entry »

Most ideologues are ugly. Nothing against them, but it’s the truth. Just look at what poor Karl Marx was working with.

Anyway, it’s really a shame, because ugly thinkers and ideologues are starting to completely ruin America’s most influential show business: politics.

Work with me.

If you haven’t realized that we consider our modern political system to be anything more than an incredibly expensive stage-play, then well…we consider our modern political system to be nothing more than an incredibly expensive stage-play.

In all other fictions that we participate in, we expect a certain aesthetic benchmark to be met. Who wants to watch anything on TV that features regular people as unattractive as you are ( do you hear me Public Television?).  It doesn’t happen. You want to see caricatures of yourself; handsome, successful caricatures.

Why aren’t we demanding the same thing from the politicans we ( you) elect to tell us stories about the way things really are? It’s a double standard. A double standard the LDPK is about to start opposing.

The Lazer Dragon Party Kollective is suggesting that the nation adopt a little system we came up with called the Political Avatar System. Read the rest of this entry »

Fighting for Freedom?

Posted: October 12, 2010 by Lazer Dragon Party Kollective in Wisdom Bombs
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Every life matters.

Americans need to consider the gruesome price tag for fighting wars abroad to “protect freedom.” Think about this graph the next time you are tempted to suggest that our national foreign policy is some kind of necessary evil. Only one part of that statement would be true.

The graph above was taken from the website ” All that is Interesting.” You can see the original post here.

He swears these are real contacts-


A COT SOMEWHERE IN OREGON– As I reported last week, all across America people are pushing for change. This time, it is from the previously unheard of demographic of paranoid, feminist war veterans. What I could deduce from the “press release” written on a piece of aluminum foil, these women submit that the government is asexual. Therefore, the “hook-nosed, iron-fisted personification of the government” should no longer be called “The Man”, but instead “The Person”.

I tracked down the group’s leader fashioning a crude dwelling from boxes and rags. “We’ve been railing against the government for years now.” Shouted Barbara “Backwoods” Thomas.  “The Man has been in charge for long enough. The Person is here to stay.” They appear to offer no actual social change though; favoring painting their vans with virulent, misspelled demands.

Upon returning from the Vietnam War, they had to accept a world in which ‘The MAN’ denied them their benefits,’ The MAN’ stole their thoughts, and ‘The MAN’ tried to irradiate the water supply in some convoluted scheme to censor Tim Robbins. “We had to adapt to the new lives given to us. Gloria over there works on keeping the mind-rays from crossing the jambs of our houses. Theresa seems to have found a way to synthesize bandanas from household chemicals. We all have roles.”

This rag-tag coterie of feminists survive by banding together to fight our “shape-shifting reptilian humanoid president.” All they would like is some respect from their male paranoid, survivalist counterparts. “Backwoods” Thomas states, “We’ve heard for years about how The Man keeps us down and tries to steal our organs. We don’t disagree. We just want the claw-fingered, hunched-back, shyster-government metaphor playing field leveled.”

Imagine life without beer.. Sufficiently pissed? Oh yeah, not yet? Well imagine a life without Coffee. Now? I thought so.

Governments and religions waging wars on drugs goes way back.

Let’s begin by talking about the nature of a war on naturally growing things in a free economy. Arguably the growing of coffee is not inherently harmful to anybody, neither is opium, cannabis, etc.

In America it has become harmful, not because the actual growth, harvest, or sale needs to be dangerous, but because the American government has chosen that growing certain things is illegal, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Coffee was once banned in various countries around the globe because it was considered the “infidel’s drink”. So because it was associated with Islam it gained a bad reputation, and was labeled as an “intoxicant.”

Personally I know plenty of people that require coffee just to get out of the starting blocks in the morning. This seemingly innocent bean that makes an arguably delicious drink was once vilified for being associated with a certain group of people. Some of the prohibition on plants has been based on circumstantial evidence and no real safety threat to the populace.

But that was the middle ages right. We’re in a different age. Today the government only makes really bad and destructive things illegal right?

We began drug prohibition in America on a legal level with opiates (of course I think it began when they started taxing whiskey) in the early 1900’s. Many believe this was tied to racism because the bans were on the smoking of opium (generally done in Chinese opium parlors) because the ban was only on inhalation, and therefore the predominantly white doctors who sold opium in various medicinal forms would not be hurt by the ban. Next was the Harrison Act, which was set up to keep a paper trail of all opium and cocaine sold from pharmacies. Now it became a privacy issue, and it was all because people felt drug use was making men and women “immoral.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Come on. They sign everyone else’s pledges.

Every political party and third-party group out there has some pledge or contract for politicians and toadies ( candidates) to sign. Usually it’s something pretty open-ended like “ I promise not to raise taxes.” Other groups go for pledges they can get candidates to sign with little trouble, like “ I pledge not to personally club infant Harp seals.”

Obviously these pledges have been working pretty well, as seal clubbing has all but disappeared in the highest levels of government.

We admit that some of the more conventional political parties have gotten the drop on us in the pledge department, and we’re doing everything we can to remedy the situation. Let’s be honest. Why would you do anything if you’re not trying to win? Exactly. Unless you’re one of those people who drink because you like the taste.

While we don’t consider ourselves part of the nation’s system (read “ cesspool of wasted time and effort”), and really couldn’t give a rat’s ass about what the GOP and Democratic parties do, we all hate the idea of them winning at making stuff up. Oh that’s right. We could spend the rest of our lives writing fan fiction addendums to the Left Behind series and never come close to matching the fantasy world invented by our two-party system!

That said, we’re going to give this pledge thing a shot.

That’s why the LDPK has recently formed the “High Committee on Making Sh*t Up,” ( HCOMSU) and ordered them to come up with a list of pledges and moral contracts to send out to elected officials and candidates.

After feverishly working through Happy Hour, the HCOMSU came up with the following offerings:

– Pledge to bring America back to Americans: It just sounds nice.

– The No Daytime-Sex Pledge: Protecting what made America great: sex under cover of darkness.

– Contract with Sasquatch: A pledge to fight for all Americans who long for freedom from fear.

– Beers for Tears: A pledge to grow government alcohol subsidies for the willfully unemployed.

– The I Love Freedom Pledge: a promise to strangle a terrorist with your bare hands before taking office.

Seriously, pick the pledge that most indicates what you’re looking for in an elected official ( or write your own), and we will make it up and send it out.

It’s porch time.

” We’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the Toby Keith way!”

Another “Outsider Perspective” from the LDPK’s own embedded reporter, Cauldron of Hate. Where does this guy find his contacts?

FREEDOM, NE- The final name has been written. Thousands of Tea Party members got what they wanted. The petition was granted. Beginning back in early 2009, Tea Party members formed a petition to change the name of Omaha, Nebraska to Freedom, Nebraska due its resemblance to the leader of our nation’s last name. President Obama was unable to comment on the passing of the petition either out of scheduling conflicts or general lack of interest. “We can’t have our beautiful city being tied to The Commie-in-Chief any longer.”, one enraged,  intoxicated Freedom resident slurred. This “success” comes on the heels of a full, nationwide plan by Tea Partiers to “Americanize” more of the nation’s “leftist-titled city names”.

All across the US, petitions have been instated to change city names. Lebanon, PA will be become Uncle Sam, PA. Baghdad, GA is pushing to be called Jesus Christ, GA. Arab, AL has bitterly fought to become Never Forget, AL. And, of course, the controversial city of Death to Infidels, CO wants to be called Toby Keith, CO.

It has been determined that the push is being led by the Tea Party Kingpin known only as Everyman. We are unaware, at this time, of the identity of this disembodied sensationalist. What little information we have on him we gleaned from last month’s video diatribe “leaked” to the White House. Flanked on either side by men armed with rifles, the masked Party leader shouts epithets, through a Southern drawl, towards DC liberals for trying to “literally tax the pants off us” and for “spreading Communist propaganda like some mechanized, Communist Robin Hood. Spreading the wealth with its robotic, android arms.” From this video we can only deduce that he is lacking in intelligent metaphors and has a fascination with robots. The videos are sparse and of poor quality, appearing to be filmed in a cave or some rock-faced lean-to.

Along with the push to “Americanize” said cities, Tea Partiers are beginning to change names within our lexicon.  Shoddily assembled “Obama-villes” are popping up across the US. Unlike the “Hoovervilles” of the 1920’s, these shanty towns are not actually functioning. Party Members sleep, eat, and watch TV at home, only to drive to the Obama-villes to “trash the place up” and keep it “looking like the hell-hole that is our country right now”. Among Obama-villes, Obama Flags and Barack Blankets are making a comeback. “Clearly these are tryin’ times. An’ the best we can do is make The Commie unwelcome in these parts”, gummed a local business owner and Tea Party member.

At this time, the Tea Party has dropped affiliation with a loosely assembled group of “freedom fighters” pushing to change the word ‘gun’ in the dictionary. Proposed new names are “Commie Cannons” or, the less thought out, “Hand Held Freedom Propagators”. We are unsure why The Tea Party has dropped affiliation. However, when the announcement was made, many members snickered; offering subtle elbow jabs to one another. It is clear the Party has dropped affiliation purely for appearances. As one member failed to whisper, “Hey man, this idea’s too good pass up.”

Fear is a terrible master. Americans know this well.
Look wherever you want , on television, in the newspaper or the local bookstore. Someone or something is standing there like Simon Legree to remind you that you can’t get away from all the things you are supposed to be afraid of: Terror, Religious Extremism, Sickness, Loneliness, Poverty.
Different names reside on this list from time to time, but no matter how much we scurry around to avoid it, the list never diminishes.

Yet somehow we are encouraged to live “In freedom from fear.”

It’s a statement everyone has heard at some point, and usually right after someone in power has told us why we can’t and shouldn’t actually be free of it. Still, this “freedom from fear” is held out to us as a future reward. A reward we will get when we trust the government enough, love America enough, and sacrifice enough. Sadly though, this is a game that is a sure loss for everyone who plays.

Consider our War on Terror. An American who does not find himself regularly paralyzed by shadows and rumors might easily be persuaded that he is himself in danger of trampling under our nation’s hallowed traditions – and equally bad – the well-being of “our boys.” This mix of civic religion and militaristic nationalism is more than most of us can pass up or shrug off. It just feels too damn good to be on the moral high ground that a condescending oligarchy shoveled underneath you. “Don’t you care about protecting America from __________?” Fill in the blank and feel good about yourself. You care about your friends and neighbors. Together we can be united under fear, and live handing over our liberty and good sense to government we hope will protect us. Read the rest of this entry »

” Look here, Faylene. I done made a sign what tells how I feel!”

BONNERS FERRY (LDPK News Affiliate) – Visitors to a Bonners Ferry, Idaho town hall meeting were met with a strange sight on Friday, when self-identifying Tea Party Libertarians agreed to—and did—take a stand for Obamacare.  Even more surprising was the method of conveying the message: paid advertising spots tattooed on the actual bodies of the Tea Partiers.

According to an unnamed Democratic Party operative, nine high-ranking members in the Idaho Citizen’s Reform Action Party (“ICRAP”)—the local manifestation of the Tea Party in Bonners Ferry—were paid an undisclosed sum to have one letter of the word “Obamacare” tattooed across each of their chests.  The letters, in Book Antigua font and tattoo green, ranged in size from twelve to twenty-four inches in height, depending on the girth of the bearer.  When instructed by operatives, the ICRAP leaders arranged themselves in the proper order in the middle of the crowd, spelling their message and enraging and confusing the other attendees at the meeting.

“I didn’t think they’d actually do it,” stated one of the operatives in charge of coordinating the raucous display of free speech.  “Apparently, a hundred bucks and a box of hollow point bullets goes pretty far with this crowd,” continued the operative.  When reminded that the operative had previously stated that he would not reveal the amount paid to each ICRAP member, the operative replied that “well, stuff happens . . . I mean they got everything they wanted.  We had over $100,000 budgeted for this operation, and all they asked for were the bullets.”  “We kinda gave them the money out of pity,” finished the operative.  “I threw this idea out as a joke one day, when things were a little crazy in the office after we got a hold of some bad Vietnamese food.  These guys took it to a whole new level.”

The members of ICRAP involved in the protest would not identify themselves for the purposes of this story, though “O” offered several comments as an unofficial spokesperson for the group.  “No I don’t feel like a sell-out,” stated O, “because I’m a libertarian.  My body is my property, and I should be able to sell it to someone else if I want to.  That’s the beauty of the free market: I sold my body to the highest bidder.”  When asked if he was troubled that he was “bought” by the Democratic Party, an organization generally considered to be the polar opposite of the Tea Party, O replied: “well that part kind of sucked, but they paid for it.  It’s not my job to tell them what to do with their property.”  Unprompted, O stated that he would “look like the rear quarter-panel of Kyle Busch’s car if somebody’d hook me up with some tickets to a Sarah Palin book signing.  I love what she has to say about politics, but she needs to learn how to respond to my letters.”