Archive for the ‘“You’re Serious…Right?”’ Category

He swears these are real contacts-


A COT SOMEWHERE IN OREGON– As I reported last week, all across America people are pushing for change. This time, it is from the previously unheard of demographic of paranoid, feminist war veterans. What I could deduce from the “press release” written on a piece of aluminum foil, these women submit that the government is asexual. Therefore, the “hook-nosed, iron-fisted personification of the government” should no longer be called “The Man”, but instead “The Person”.

I tracked down the group’s leader fashioning a crude dwelling from boxes and rags. “We’ve been railing against the government for years now.” Shouted Barbara “Backwoods” Thomas.  “The Man has been in charge for long enough. The Person is here to stay.” They appear to offer no actual social change though; favoring painting their vans with virulent, misspelled demands.

Upon returning from the Vietnam War, they had to accept a world in which ‘The MAN’ denied them their benefits,’ The MAN’ stole their thoughts, and ‘The MAN’ tried to irradiate the water supply in some convoluted scheme to censor Tim Robbins. “We had to adapt to the new lives given to us. Gloria over there works on keeping the mind-rays from crossing the jambs of our houses. Theresa seems to have found a way to synthesize bandanas from household chemicals. We all have roles.”

This rag-tag coterie of feminists survive by banding together to fight our “shape-shifting reptilian humanoid president.” All they would like is some respect from their male paranoid, survivalist counterparts. “Backwoods” Thomas states, “We’ve heard for years about how The Man keeps us down and tries to steal our organs. We don’t disagree. We just want the claw-fingered, hunched-back, shyster-government metaphor playing field leveled.”

” We’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the Toby Keith way!”

Another “Outsider Perspective” from the LDPK’s own embedded reporter, Cauldron of Hate. Where does this guy find his contacts?

FREEDOM, NE- The final name has been written. Thousands of Tea Party members got what they wanted. The petition was granted. Beginning back in early 2009, Tea Party members formed a petition to change the name of Omaha, Nebraska to Freedom, Nebraska due its resemblance to the leader of our nation’s last name. President Obama was unable to comment on the passing of the petition either out of scheduling conflicts or general lack of interest. “We can’t have our beautiful city being tied to The Commie-in-Chief any longer.”, one enraged,  intoxicated Freedom resident slurred. This “success” comes on the heels of a full, nationwide plan by Tea Partiers to “Americanize” more of the nation’s “leftist-titled city names”.

All across the US, petitions have been instated to change city names. Lebanon, PA will be become Uncle Sam, PA. Baghdad, GA is pushing to be called Jesus Christ, GA. Arab, AL has bitterly fought to become Never Forget, AL. And, of course, the controversial city of Death to Infidels, CO wants to be called Toby Keith, CO.

It has been determined that the push is being led by the Tea Party Kingpin known only as Everyman. We are unaware, at this time, of the identity of this disembodied sensationalist. What little information we have on him we gleaned from last month’s video diatribe “leaked” to the White House. Flanked on either side by men armed with rifles, the masked Party leader shouts epithets, through a Southern drawl, towards DC liberals for trying to “literally tax the pants off us” and for “spreading Communist propaganda like some mechanized, Communist Robin Hood. Spreading the wealth with its robotic, android arms.” From this video we can only deduce that he is lacking in intelligent metaphors and has a fascination with robots. The videos are sparse and of poor quality, appearing to be filmed in a cave or some rock-faced lean-to.

Along with the push to “Americanize” said cities, Tea Partiers are beginning to change names within our lexicon.  Shoddily assembled “Obama-villes” are popping up across the US. Unlike the “Hoovervilles” of the 1920’s, these shanty towns are not actually functioning. Party Members sleep, eat, and watch TV at home, only to drive to the Obama-villes to “trash the place up” and keep it “looking like the hell-hole that is our country right now”. Among Obama-villes, Obama Flags and Barack Blankets are making a comeback. “Clearly these are tryin’ times. An’ the best we can do is make The Commie unwelcome in these parts”, gummed a local business owner and Tea Party member.

At this time, the Tea Party has dropped affiliation with a loosely assembled group of “freedom fighters” pushing to change the word ‘gun’ in the dictionary. Proposed new names are “Commie Cannons” or, the less thought out, “Hand Held Freedom Propagators”. We are unsure why The Tea Party has dropped affiliation. However, when the announcement was made, many members snickered; offering subtle elbow jabs to one another. It is clear the Party has dropped affiliation purely for appearances. As one member failed to whisper, “Hey man, this idea’s too good pass up.”

” Look here, Faylene. I done made a sign what tells how I feel!”

BONNERS FERRY (LDPK News Affiliate) – Visitors to a Bonners Ferry, Idaho town hall meeting were met with a strange sight on Friday, when self-identifying Tea Party Libertarians agreed to—and did—take a stand for Obamacare.  Even more surprising was the method of conveying the message: paid advertising spots tattooed on the actual bodies of the Tea Partiers.

According to an unnamed Democratic Party operative, nine high-ranking members in the Idaho Citizen’s Reform Action Party (“ICRAP”)—the local manifestation of the Tea Party in Bonners Ferry—were paid an undisclosed sum to have one letter of the word “Obamacare” tattooed across each of their chests.  The letters, in Book Antigua font and tattoo green, ranged in size from twelve to twenty-four inches in height, depending on the girth of the bearer.  When instructed by operatives, the ICRAP leaders arranged themselves in the proper order in the middle of the crowd, spelling their message and enraging and confusing the other attendees at the meeting.

“I didn’t think they’d actually do it,” stated one of the operatives in charge of coordinating the raucous display of free speech.  “Apparently, a hundred bucks and a box of hollow point bullets goes pretty far with this crowd,” continued the operative.  When reminded that the operative had previously stated that he would not reveal the amount paid to each ICRAP member, the operative replied that “well, stuff happens . . . I mean they got everything they wanted.  We had over $100,000 budgeted for this operation, and all they asked for were the bullets.”  “We kinda gave them the money out of pity,” finished the operative.  “I threw this idea out as a joke one day, when things were a little crazy in the office after we got a hold of some bad Vietnamese food.  These guys took it to a whole new level.”

The members of ICRAP involved in the protest would not identify themselves for the purposes of this story, though “O” offered several comments as an unofficial spokesperson for the group.  “No I don’t feel like a sell-out,” stated O, “because I’m a libertarian.  My body is my property, and I should be able to sell it to someone else if I want to.  That’s the beauty of the free market: I sold my body to the highest bidder.”  When asked if he was troubled that he was “bought” by the Democratic Party, an organization generally considered to be the polar opposite of the Tea Party, O replied: “well that part kind of sucked, but they paid for it.  It’s not my job to tell them what to do with their property.”  Unprompted, O stated that he would “look like the rear quarter-panel of Kyle Busch’s car if somebody’d hook me up with some tickets to a Sarah Palin book signing.  I love what she has to say about politics, but she needs to learn how to respond to my letters.”

Unidentified Imbedded Journalist

The following article was written by a journalist embedded in the LDPK party structure. Obviously the story below is his perspective, and his interpretation of events that may or may not have taken place. Look for more of his coverage in the days to come. What he draws on his napkins is his business.


The South, Undisclosed City- Finding myself without an article to write for this Sunday’s paper, I begrudgingly sorted through the numerous press releases on my desk. On top of the pile, written on a cocktail napkin, was a release for a lethargic yet “unstoppable” political party, the ‘Lazer Dragon Party Kollective’. The “document” states:

“Just as legitimate. Half as embarrassing.”

We are a freedom-focused, loosely-structured political party that was founded in 2009 by a group of thinkers who found themselves disillusioned with the political structures they felt they were being forced into. We like each other, we like peace, we like partying, we like truth. Dragons are awesome; lazers are awesome.  Neither one of them gets less awesome by being put with the other, so we felt we might as well name our party after something we found personally impressive…”

**Editor’s Note** The remainder of the note is unintelligibly scrawled across BBQ sauce stains and grease. Undoubtedly this LPDK official meeting was held at either some buffet-style restaurant or a trough.

I arrived in time for an official meeting. Very little politics were discussed. In fact, 80’s pop rock seemed to be the subject of the night. I quickly took out my pad and pen, and was quickly derided by a senior member for “killing his buzz with my fancy book.” The afternoon progressed in typical college-dorm fashion. Arguments flared and died as soon as they started. Heated debates were replaced by even hotter dance sessions. Exhausting all Grooveshark had to offer, they picked up the party and moved inside. The event was an assault on the senses. The smell of sweaty, swarthy bodies akimbo, a raucous symphony of cans thrown into nearby “trash holes” (essentially, the beds of party members’ trucks), the feeling that I could just as soon be mugged as hugged; it was an orgiastic feast for the senses.

Glimpses of structure and organization peeked through at times. I had the requisite beer to make them feel at ease about my presence. The party hit stride around 11 pm. That ethereal zone where one is not quite drunk, but far from sober. Either exhausted from dancing or content with what all it had to offer, they began to settle down. They let me into their world. Discussions flowed from politics, to religion, to history. I arrived thinking I would leave beaten and broken from drunken hazing. Instead, I was thrashed by truth and aroused by cynicism; I was thinking for the first time in my life. Inspired by the muse of booze, these gentlemen spoke of the disillusionment of politics and its associated, unavoidable apathy. LDPK’s intentions are clear and uncompromising: party until politics makes sense, then party some more. They trade smarmy campaigns for dance parties, Sophistry for cogency.

Leaving, I looked back upon a wasteland of beer cans, overturned tables, and collapsed bodies. Serious work had been done that night, legitimate work. My physical and political senses were dulled. I was as an infant: hungover, party-less, and yearning for freedom. Cigarette butts clogged the treads of my shoes. My notepad, now filled with drawings of penises and dragons, wet with bourbon. A new party haphazardly assembled, yet undeniably elegant: Lazer Dragon Party Kollective.

That meeting was over, but the party has only just begun…