Archive for the ‘From the Porch:’ Category

Most ideologues are ugly. Nothing against them, but it’s the truth. Just look at what poor Karl Marx was working with.

Anyway, it’s really a shame, because ugly thinkers and ideologues are starting to completely ruin America’s most influential show business: politics.

Work with me.

If you haven’t realized that we consider our modern political system to be anything more than an incredibly expensive stage-play, then well…we consider our modern political system to be nothing more than an incredibly expensive stage-play.

In all other fictions that we participate in, we expect a certain aesthetic benchmark to be met. Who wants to watch anything on TV that features regular people as unattractive as you are ( do you hear me Public Television?).  It doesn’t happen. You want to see caricatures of yourself; handsome, successful caricatures.

Why aren’t we demanding the same thing from the politicans we ( you) elect to tell us stories about the way things really are? It’s a double standard. A double standard the LDPK is about to start opposing.

The Lazer Dragon Party Kollective is suggesting that the nation adopt a little system we came up with called the Political Avatar System. (more…)

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Come on. They sign everyone else’s pledges.

Every political party and third-party group out there has some pledge or contract for politicians and toadies ( candidates) to sign. Usually it’s something pretty open-ended like “ I promise not to raise taxes.” Other groups go for pledges they can get candidates to sign with little trouble, like “ I pledge not to personally club infant Harp seals.”

Obviously these pledges have been working pretty well, as seal clubbing has all but disappeared in the highest levels of government.

We admit that some of the more conventional political parties have gotten the drop on us in the pledge department, and we’re doing everything we can to remedy the situation. Let’s be honest. Why would you do anything if you’re not trying to win? Exactly. Unless you’re one of those people who drink because you like the taste.

While we don’t consider ourselves part of the nation’s system (read “ cesspool of wasted time and effort”), and really couldn’t give a rat’s ass about what the GOP and Democratic parties do, we all hate the idea of them winning at making stuff up. Oh that’s right. We could spend the rest of our lives writing fan fiction addendums to the Left Behind series and never come close to matching the fantasy world invented by our two-party system!

That said, we’re going to give this pledge thing a shot.

That’s why the LDPK has recently formed the “High Committee on Making Sh*t Up,” ( HCOMSU) and ordered them to come up with a list of pledges and moral contracts to send out to elected officials and candidates.

After feverishly working through Happy Hour, the HCOMSU came up with the following offerings:

– Pledge to bring America back to Americans: It just sounds nice.

– The No Daytime-Sex Pledge: Protecting what made America great: sex under cover of darkness.

– Contract with Sasquatch: A pledge to fight for all Americans who long for freedom from fear.

– Beers for Tears: A pledge to grow government alcohol subsidies for the willfully unemployed.

– The I Love Freedom Pledge: a promise to strangle a terrorist with your bare hands before taking office.

Seriously, pick the pledge that most indicates what you’re looking for in an elected official ( or write your own), and we will make it up and send it out.

It’s porch time.

Fear is a terrible master. Americans know this well.
Look wherever you want , on television, in the newspaper or the local bookstore. Someone or something is standing there like Simon Legree to remind you that you can’t get away from all the things you are supposed to be afraid of: Terror, Religious Extremism, Sickness, Loneliness, Poverty.
Different names reside on this list from time to time, but no matter how much we scurry around to avoid it, the list never diminishes.

Yet somehow we are encouraged to live “In freedom from fear.”

It’s a statement everyone has heard at some point, and usually right after someone in power has told us why we can’t and shouldn’t actually be free of it. Still, this “freedom from fear” is held out to us as a future reward. A reward we will get when we trust the government enough, love America enough, and sacrifice enough. Sadly though, this is a game that is a sure loss for everyone who plays.

Consider our War on Terror. An American who does not find himself regularly paralyzed by shadows and rumors might easily be persuaded that he is himself in danger of trampling under our nation’s hallowed traditions – and equally bad – the well-being of “our boys.” This mix of civic religion and militaristic nationalism is more than most of us can pass up or shrug off. It just feels too damn good to be on the moral high ground that a condescending oligarchy shoveled underneath you. “Don’t you care about protecting America from __________?” Fill in the blank and feel good about yourself. You care about your friends and neighbors. Together we can be united under fear, and live handing over our liberty and good sense to government we hope will protect us. (more…)

 

“If the neighbors don’t like it, they can go back inside.” – Herbie, an unwitting LDPK member

As the temperature drops, and the trees head in for a wardrobe change, party members and non-party members alike may hear a sweet and seductive voice on the breeze whispering ” Oktoberfest.”

While that sultry voice could turn out to be discocowboi after a few lagers, it could also be Autumn urging you to throw a party for your friends.

Consider this: School is back in, memories from summer vacation are fading fast, and the football season is just far enough in to let you know your team isn’t going far.

While many a haggard desk jockey would be overwhelmed by these circumstances (and perhaps try to overcome them by wearing that flannel shirt your wife said made you look “brawny” ten years ago), the LDPK encourages you to get off your ass, and go show the rest of your boring neighbors how to have a good time.

The first rule of throwing a good party in October is “don’t get stressed” in the planning stage.

Partying is about thinking on the good times and showing hospitality to your friends. Plus, chances are you have a neighbor in the GOP who is stressing out enough to cover everyone else who comes to your party.  If you should start to worry about the guest list, or how many brats to buy, just stroll out in the front yard, locate your GOP neighbor and pass that stress right off to him.

Usually a simple ” Hey Rick, I sure hope those environmentalists don’t come after you for burning leaves!” will suffice. On to provisions.

A one-stop-shop exists for you to plan and provision your October party: The beer aisle.

In this cool, calming environment you think on the joys ahead of you, and also facilitate the joys ahead of you with a few well-chosen purchases. Be sure not to skimp on quantity. Bear in mind that a party well stocked with beer will never wind down early. You can have the best food in the world, but when the annoying guy who got the pity invite cracks the last can in the ice tub, you can bet that the the party is going to be over soon.

Many people would -wrongly- tell you that you must purchase Oktoberfests, Marzens and Bocks if you are to throw a real Oktober party. These people are also fat men eating sausages in little leather shorts, so turn right around and walk to the other side of the aisle; the aisle where cheap American lager can be found in large quantity for little cost.

Your guests long to enjoy the weather and your company, not to quibble over how much hops was involved in the brewing process. Grab those cans of Bud and bottles of PBR, and get back to your porch.

Whatever you do, don’t make the rookie mistake of not purchasing an extra stock for you to consume whilst cleaning, cooking and waiting for your guests. No one wants to show up and see you completely sober. You know your strengths and weaknesses. Be man enough to admit that personality is under the “weakness” list, and let Sweet Lady High Life step in where nature left off.

Now that you have enough beer ( and hopefully ice) to keep the party going no matter what, consider the other necessities.

Let’s be honest, having to eat a bunch of foods with plastic utensils is a Tea Party-rally-level pain in the ass. You have to awkwardly manipulate your soggy plate, spork and bottle, while trying to listen to the boring man from the cul-de-sac tell you about the Ford Freestyle’s safety rating. Move past that. No one needs salad at your party. Keep the foods limited to items you can consume Grendel style with your bare hands. Wings, brats, hotdogs and ribs are all fine examples of truly considerate grilling fare. Trays of carrots and what-not can more than meet the requirement for healthy side dishes.

Let’s say you heed this wisdom, and things are going great at your party.  You’re on your porch with strategically-placed coolers of beer, eating wings without the handicap of utensils, and surveying the grateful faces of your friends. It’s time for the coup-de-grace. Tunes.

Good music can take the party from regular “good,” to “ThreeBillz just lost his shirt and is halfway up the chimney” good. Put together a solid playlist of party-friendly tracks on iTunes well before the day of your party. Spend some time on it; people will notice. If you don’t have iTunes, try out Grooveshark.com, an internet radio site where you can easily construct a mix of songs that fits your party.

Be willing to subject your own preferences to for the greater good of the party – or “kollective” if you will. If you know someone is going to spend the night bitching about you playing urban tunes (rap), then intersperse your choices with some more sedate Motown or classic 80’s jams. Side note: If you don’t like Motown then you have no business throwing a party, and if you invited someone who doesn’t, then again, you shouldn’t be throwing a party.

Who knows? Your strategic playlist could in turn result in spontaneous dancing, which of course means you just got turned up to eleven. When you see the huddled masses of overwrought suburbanites liberated by the power of music and beer on your own porch, you will know what it means to be a Lazer Dragon.

So there you have it. Get a lot of cheap beer, wings, and a good playlist, and throw a party that will make a real difference in the community. LDPK style.

As one of the cooler neighbors we know once said-

” If the neighbors don’t like it, they can go back inside.”