Archive for the ‘From the Porch:’ Category

There and Back Again

Posted: April 2, 2012 by Lazer Dragon Party Kollective in From the Porch:

It’s been a tough few months for the LDPK.

Though we told ourselves early on that we would shun the cunning trap of American politics, the lure of power and prestige may have been too much for even our cynicism-hardened cadre.

Over the past months, the inner circle of the LDPK power structure was wracked with internal dissent. Do we throw the prodigious weight of our organization behind a likely candidate? Do we leverage the respect we’ve garnered as pundits and policy wizards to get a place at the table? Like too many others, the offers of power and influence had more of an impact on our governing board than we would ever like to admit.

It’s shameful, considering our roots, but we trust that our members and loyal readers will be moved by our openness, even in this hour of our failure.

That’s why – after long hours of soul-searching and heated discourse – the LDPK is casting off the ponderous shackles of convention, and reaffirming our commitment to not giving a rat’s ass.

In fact, we’re promising our followers that they will never again worry about their party leadership kowtowing to a system so base as to even marginalize the asses of rats!

In the days to come, you can expect to be enlightened and revitalized by the written insights that drew legions of followers to our party in the first place.

Policy analysis, 3 Billz “Heartburn,” beer reviews, and cultural assessments are all back on the table, people. It’s what we owe you, and what we do best.

Hold on. We don’t owe you anything! See how easy it is to slip away from a platform. Hold that. We don’t have a platform.

In short: We’re Back.



Maybe if they had a different marketing approach?

No one made you play Edward 4 Loko Hands. You know that full well, and so does everybody else at the party. Go ahead, deal with the shame that of making out with the dorm maintenance guy, but don’t try to blame it on 4 Loko.

I guess it really doesn’t matter if you blame 4 Loko or not, because the FDA has already decided that you wouldn’t have acted like a slut without 24 oz of caffeine-infused rotgut. Thanks to an FDA “letter of warning” that condemns the wildly popular beverage’s mixture of ingredients, the booze mavens behind 4 Loko are going to end up stripping out everything that, well…made it 4 Loko.

Laird Magnus wants to know if anyone at the FDA has ever seen a pharmaceutical ad? The obvious answer is “yes.” Well then, has anyone ever taken notice of the comically-long list of  physical malfunctions that could happen if you take the meds the ad was hawking? The FDA seems to have reconciled with those eventualities.

Random Sap: ” I’ve had a boner for ten hours.”

FDA: ” Hope it was worth it, Totem Pole! Get it?”

Other Random Sap: ” My bros didn’t think I could shotgun two 4 Lokos before ” Semi-Charmed Life” was over. The hospital sucks, man.”

FDA: ” We’re shutting those monsters down! You’ll never be a victim again.”

Obviously the LDPK isn’t going to encourage anyone to drink 4 Loko. We’re lager drinkers ( discocowboi, we know about the wine coolers), and proud of it. At the same time, if someone wants to drink caffeine booze, then go for it. Is the FDA going to go around to bars shutting down Red Bull and vodka drinkers? No.

The LDPK may have a problem with the FDA continually pulling this kind of thing, but that isn’t going to change anything, and we know that.

Farewell, 4 Loko. You didn’t just mix caffeine and cheap liquor; you mixed a digit and phonetic spelling in your name, and that deserves commendation.

Back to the porch.

discocowboi: I hate myself for loving you.

Compelled by destiny and tormented by fate, LPDK party leadership continued upon their epic quest to conquer their list of ultra-cheap, highly criticized brews.  Fighting through the scorn (and the taste) party leaders bravely battled through a twelve pack of Busch Ice, and emerged victorious over yet another bottom-of-the-barrel brew.

At the end of the experience, party members sat exhausted and impressed by the sheer scale of their accomplishment.  “An accomplishment worthy of song throughout the ages,” in the words of LPDK’s own Magnus of Longshanks.

In other words, it was a normal Wednesday night at party headquarters.

Initial reviews of Busch Ice, taken from sips of the beer while not yet cold (in order to see what it’s like “without any makeup,” according to Magnus) were mixed:

Magnus: “This stuff takes like metal.”

cauldronofhate: “When I bring it to my mouth to take a sip, I catch a whiff of a B.O.-type smell.”

discocowboi: “I like it…. what?”

Though 2 of 3 of the party members present had no taste for the beer, LDPK leadership are not ones to back away from a challenge.  Thus, the group headed to the porch to finish the unpleasant task at hand.  Buoyed by camaraderie, and steeled by the sweet taste of Black & Mild wood tip wine-flavored cigars, party leadership slew the beast at hand in a few hours of “erudite”* conversation doused with puerile giggling.

“Yeah we’re never doing that again,” insisted cauldron.  “That stuff was terrible… no more ice beers for a while,” responded Magnus.  Apparently oblivious to the conversation, discocowboi kept asking for popcorn and mumbling that he was “not having a good time.”  But at the end of the day, Busch Ice became yet another cheap beer notched into LDPK’s collective bedpost.  Wholly unremarkable save for the slight stench of body odor, Busch Ice has nonetheless been vanquished and reviewed for the benefit of LDPK’s readership.  On to Beer #3…

*”erudite” is LDPK parlance for “excessive Lord of the Rings references.”  To demonstrate, Busch Ice apparently makes Magnus feel as if he is King Theoden of Rohan: “If this $6.75 ice lager is to be the end of us, then I would have it be such an end as to be worthy of remembrance in song!”  And then later, as a roach scurries across the porch and Magnus tries to enlist other party members in the futile attempt to kill it: “DEATH!  DEATH! RIDE TO RUIN, AND THE WORLD’S ENDING!”

That must be a sublime hotdog

Recently, the highest levels of LDPK leadership joined with our own imbedded reporter “cauldronofhate” to defeat a list of cheap beers that we had heretofore been too embarrassed to purchase. This quest was embarked on after one LDPK member announced his plan to try to “beat” all the cheap beers at his local grocery store by drinking them alone. Another of the members present pointed out, ” why beat it alone, when we can all beat it together?”

That weekend we were on the porch with a case if Milwaukee’s Best Ice.

When we talk about a “Beers o’ Shame List,” you know the brews we’re talking about. The beers from across the tracks that you’ve always been curious about, but always been too embarrassed to actually buy. The LDPK is taking that step for you. These beers are the like the fat girl you don’t want your buddies to know you actually have a thing for. There’s a lot there to love, but you don’t necessarily want to take the relationship public. Well, the LDPK just took a case of Beast Ice out to meet the boys.

First off, yes, it was embarrassing to buy Beast Ice. Second, when it is cooled down in the freezer to just above freezing, the beverage is pretty much indiscernable from any other cheap ( very cheap) beer.

Here are a few scientific notes on The Beast Ice:

– It tastes like sheet metal.

– Don’t drink this unless it is uncomfortably cold outside. There needs to be an element of distraction when dealing with the crafty and powerful beer. You don’t want to be focused on the taste; that would be like deconstructing Wayne’s World 2.

– This had a noticeably more potent affect on Magnus of Longshanks than it did on discocowboi. Why this is, we don’t know, but Magnus did giggle alot (which was weird).

– The cans look pretty cool.

Here’s where you get into trouble with Beast Ice. Unlike most cheap American lagers, The Beast Ice is 6% ABV. It doesn’t seem like much, but if you’re committing to drinking a lot of cheap,watery beer over the course of the evening, it’s going to get you into trouble. It exists to get you messed up fast, and for under 7 dollars. Hey, it’s a market niche, but probably not one you want to live in.

As cauldronofhate put it, ” It made me feel alive, yet made me aware of the proximity of alcoholism.”

Overall, The Beast Ice was drinkable. Not in the way Riesling is “drinkable,” but literally in the ” the best thing this drink has going for it is that it’s a cold liquid” way.  Unless you’re throwing a party for street people you might want to avoid Beast Ice.

If you were to try it out ( seriously, try it for yourself) the LDPK  – ok, mainly discocowboi – highly recommends accompanying the drink with a Black N Mild. If you don’t know what that is…we’re just sorry.

Now that the Beast Ice has been vanquished, the LDPK leadership is moving on to another ” Beer of Shame” to taste. Stay tuned!


The Lazer Dragon Party Kollective has formed a special commission on Lager Consumption and Experiential Freedom ( LCEF) in response to the documents recently released by Wikileaks.
Over the weekend, over 400,000 pages of classified material on American activity in Iraq were released by the rogue transparency watchdog.
Magnus, a member of Lazer Dragon Party Kollective Leadership, commented on the new commission-

“ We don’t want to make unwarranted claims, but these documents released by Wikileaks could potentially signal the devastation of our entire economy. You deserve to know why that is. Anonymous sources have led us to believe that the War on Terror could significantly impact alcohol prices in the United States. There. We said it.

As of today, we still don’t know why  and we don’t know how.

Obviously, if this fear were realized our government institutions would collapse completely, shortly followed by every college, and manufacturing facility in the country. Our own LDPK analysts have pointed out that all the former students, politicos and unemployed government bureaucrats who made it through class and work ( respectively) by being drunk, would not even have the option of turning to manual labor. Who would do a hard day’s work without the sweet promise of a cold and affordable lager at day’s end? Think about it. We’re talking about a Mad Max-style reality.

If this scenario were carried out, it could go so far as to impact our Halloween party this Friday. It’s safe to assume our government doesn’t want such an atrocity on their conscience.This is a true threat to national security, and our new LCEF Commission will be going through every page of the Wikileaks papers to make sure our friends and neighbors are made aware of the danger.

We are in the process of training two commission members – Three Billz and Discocowboi – to use the highly-technical  ‘Command-F’ search function to scour every one of the pages for the phrase “ Booze Is Getting More Expensive.” Hopefully they won’t turn anything up.”

As this commission completes their task, the LDPK will be bringing the notable results into the public eye. Stay Tuned.

We love karate, we love Colonel Sanders, and we love people who don’t take farcical political debates seriously.

Someone else who apparently loves all these things is Jimmy McMillan, the gubernatorial candidate put forward by the Rent is 2 Damn High Party. A karate expert, Vietnam veteran and mustache pioneer, Jimmy got pissed off at the rent being too damn high, and decided to run for Governor of New York.

First off, a big thank you to Jimmy for naming the party something that makes sense. If you decide to waste some time on election day, you should be able to get the major belief of the candidate just by reading the name of their political affiliation. If a candidate thinks ” Government is 2 Damn Small,” then put that on the ballot instead of “Democrat.”

Here is a video of Jimmy dropping some wisdom bombs in a television debate –

Jimmy is on a mission to make sure rent is lowered and the poor are fed. The LDPK can get down with that.

This is about the point where people start whining about the pillars of society crumbling under the weight of undeserving poor wallowing in government redistribution. Snooze.

Your tax obligation won’t go down by sitting around resenting that some people whose lives suck get a government check to -ostensibly – put food on the table.  Ironically, the crowd who most worries about  “government redistribution” also eagerly supports the open bankrupting of the nation through war. A poor person in New York isn’t hurting you. The government putting you in debt to China to fund a war on “terror” is.

It’s a stretch to suggest that Jimmy might get the coveted LDPK endorsement for his run. We would have to see an extensive demonstration of his karate skills before that kind of decision could be made. We would however, eagerly welcome Jimmy at our upcoming Halloween Party.

We’ll say it with you, Jimmy. ” The Rent is 2 Damn High!”

Come on people…

Posted: October 18, 2010 by Magnus of Longshanks in From the Porch:
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It’s good to know our government is focused on true justice and equity.

Last week, headlines were ablaze with news of T.I. ( the rapper? come on!) talking a man out of jumping off a building. Everywhere you turned people were excited – and probably surprised – to read about a celebrity using their fame to actually help someone out. Whatever you think about rap ( talking to you, ginger), that’s pretty legit.

Uh oh! It seems acting in a genuinely humanitarian way isn’t enough to compensate for the evils of familiarity with Mary Jane. Against all odds, police just happened to come across TI’s ride and smell “smoke.” Come on, people. Of course he’s lighting up in his garishly-rimmed vehicle. We’ve all seen the music videos. Aren’t there some actual safety issues in the community to be dealt with? Again, come on people!

Why not just include mandatory testing for weed along with mandatory census forms? That way, the government could make a clean sweep of locking up the worst element of society all at once: weed smokers. Sure, massive swaths of the workforce – and Hollywood – would be joining TI for the next year or so, but at least young people would learn that the dangers of prison are nothing compared to what marijuana could make you do!

Oh well.

Most ideologues are ugly. Nothing against them, but it’s the truth. Just look at what poor Karl Marx was working with.

Anyway, it’s really a shame, because ugly thinkers and ideologues are starting to completely ruin America’s most influential show business: politics.

Work with me.

If you haven’t realized that we consider our modern political system to be anything more than an incredibly expensive stage-play, then well…we consider our modern political system to be nothing more than an incredibly expensive stage-play.

In all other fictions that we participate in, we expect a certain aesthetic benchmark to be met. Who wants to watch anything on TV that features regular people as unattractive as you are ( do you hear me Public Television?).  It doesn’t happen. You want to see caricatures of yourself; handsome, successful caricatures.

Why aren’t we demanding the same thing from the politicans we ( you) elect to tell us stories about the way things really are? It’s a double standard. A double standard the LDPK is about to start opposing.

The Lazer Dragon Party Kollective is suggesting that the nation adopt a little system we came up with called the Political Avatar System. (more…)

Come on. They sign everyone else’s pledges.

Every political party and third-party group out there has some pledge or contract for politicians and toadies ( candidates) to sign. Usually it’s something pretty open-ended like “ I promise not to raise taxes.” Other groups go for pledges they can get candidates to sign with little trouble, like “ I pledge not to personally club infant Harp seals.”

Obviously these pledges have been working pretty well, as seal clubbing has all but disappeared in the highest levels of government.

We admit that some of the more conventional political parties have gotten the drop on us in the pledge department, and we’re doing everything we can to remedy the situation. Let’s be honest. Why would you do anything if you’re not trying to win? Exactly. Unless you’re one of those people who drink because you like the taste.

While we don’t consider ourselves part of the nation’s system (read “ cesspool of wasted time and effort”), and really couldn’t give a rat’s ass about what the GOP and Democratic parties do, we all hate the idea of them winning at making stuff up. Oh that’s right. We could spend the rest of our lives writing fan fiction addendums to the Left Behind series and never come close to matching the fantasy world invented by our two-party system!

That said, we’re going to give this pledge thing a shot.

That’s why the LDPK has recently formed the “High Committee on Making Sh*t Up,” ( HCOMSU) and ordered them to come up with a list of pledges and moral contracts to send out to elected officials and candidates.

After feverishly working through Happy Hour, the HCOMSU came up with the following offerings:

– Pledge to bring America back to Americans: It just sounds nice.

– The No Daytime-Sex Pledge: Protecting what made America great: sex under cover of darkness.

– Contract with Sasquatch: A pledge to fight for all Americans who long for freedom from fear.

– Beers for Tears: A pledge to grow government alcohol subsidies for the willfully unemployed.

– The I Love Freedom Pledge: a promise to strangle a terrorist with your bare hands before taking office.

Seriously, pick the pledge that most indicates what you’re looking for in an elected official ( or write your own), and we will make it up and send it out.

It’s porch time.

Fear is a terrible master. Americans know this well.
Look wherever you want , on television, in the newspaper or the local bookstore. Someone or something is standing there like Simon Legree to remind you that you can’t get away from all the things you are supposed to be afraid of: Terror, Religious Extremism, Sickness, Loneliness, Poverty.
Different names reside on this list from time to time, but no matter how much we scurry around to avoid it, the list never diminishes.

Yet somehow we are encouraged to live “In freedom from fear.”

It’s a statement everyone has heard at some point, and usually right after someone in power has told us why we can’t and shouldn’t actually be free of it. Still, this “freedom from fear” is held out to us as a future reward. A reward we will get when we trust the government enough, love America enough, and sacrifice enough. Sadly though, this is a game that is a sure loss for everyone who plays.

Consider our War on Terror. An American who does not find himself regularly paralyzed by shadows and rumors might easily be persuaded that he is himself in danger of trampling under our nation’s hallowed traditions – and equally bad – the well-being of “our boys.” This mix of civic religion and militaristic nationalism is more than most of us can pass up or shrug off. It just feels too damn good to be on the moral high ground that a condescending oligarchy shoveled underneath you. “Don’t you care about protecting America from __________?” Fill in the blank and feel good about yourself. You care about your friends and neighbors. Together we can be united under fear, and live handing over our liberty and good sense to government we hope will protect us. (more…)