4 Loko Feels the Boot of Oppression

Posted: November 19, 2010 by Lazer Dragon Party Kollective in From the Porch:
Tags: , , , , , ,

Maybe if they had a different marketing approach?

No one made you play Edward 4 Loko Hands. You know that full well, and so does everybody else at the party. Go ahead, deal with the shame that of making out with the dorm maintenance guy, but don’t try to blame it on 4 Loko.

I guess it really doesn’t matter if you blame 4 Loko or not, because the FDA has already decided that you wouldn’t have acted like a slut without 24 oz of caffeine-infused rotgut. Thanks to an FDA “letter of warning” that condemns the wildly popular beverage’s mixture of ingredients, the booze mavens behind 4 Loko are going to end up stripping out everything that, well…made it 4 Loko.

Laird Magnus wants to know if anyone at the FDA has ever seen a pharmaceutical ad? The obvious answer is “yes.” Well then, has anyone ever taken notice of the comically-long list of  physical malfunctions that could happen if you take the meds the ad was hawking? The FDA seems to have reconciled with those eventualities.

Random Sap: ” I’ve had a boner for ten hours.”

FDA: ” Hope it was worth it, Totem Pole! Get it?”

Other Random Sap: ” My bros didn’t think I could shotgun two 4 Lokos before ” Semi-Charmed Life” was over. The hospital sucks, man.”

FDA: ” We’re shutting those monsters down! You’ll never be a victim again.”

Obviously the LDPK isn’t going to encourage anyone to drink 4 Loko. We’re lager drinkers ( discocowboi, we know about the wine coolers), and proud of it. At the same time, if someone wants to drink caffeine booze, then go for it. Is the FDA going to go around to bars shutting down Red Bull and vodka drinkers? No.

The LDPK may have a problem with the FDA continually pulling this kind of thing, but that isn’t going to change anything, and we know that.

Farewell, 4 Loko. You didn’t just mix caffeine and cheap liquor; you mixed a digit and phonetic spelling in your name, and that deserves commendation.

Back to the porch.

  1. unfinishedscript says:

    Red Bull and Vodka is more profitable… and less Mexican sounding… They have to let that slide, it’s the gov, they’re assholes… they reserve their judgement for things that’ll make them look like poor-people-hating bigots… that’s their job! How to better explain this? Let’s use the analogy of the Roman Catholic Church. The logic behind government oversight is a bit like the logic of the Roman Catholic Church: you can sin, if you say your hail marys; you can abuse children, if you can hide it well and are willing to relocate every four years; but you cannot, absolutely CANNOT use a condom or be gay… God forbid that you are gay and use a condom. So, well, that’s kinda how the government is… better analogy: bullshit, it’s all bullshit.

    R.I.P. 4 Loko and all the people you may have impaired and sent running through the streets naked. R.I.P.

  2. discocowboi says:

    Eh. Let the government ban ill-conceived ideas, for all I care.

  3. What about when they ban cherry-infused cigars?

  4. discocowboi says:

    Cherry-infused cigars will kill you over the course of 25 years. 4 Loko will kill you in one night. Just saying.

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