Don’t Tread on…My Face

Posted: October 27, 2010 by cauldronofhate in Outsider Perspective
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Cauldron of Hate reports on a political phenomenon that he swears “really is” sweeping the nation.


LEXINGTON, KY– At a Rand Paul rally in Lexington, KY, a “liberal activist” was forced to the ground and pinned there by the foot of a, we’ll call him, ‘zealous’ supporter of Rand Paul. The heated exchange between the two opposing activists ended in violence. This disturbing trend is gaining steam among the less intelligent supporters of candidates. Festooned in political stickers and, ironically, ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ pins, the activists look to “curb stomp their candidate into office”.

“Town hall meetings, debates, and political rallies are powderkegs of emotion and potential powerbombs. Fighting is the only way a society can protect its beliefs and strangle, uh I mean, silence dissidents.” , drawled one hulking, drooling man-oaf.

Witnesses distinctly heard this man at the scene seething, shouting, “More, more! Leg drop, leg drop!” He began throwing money, chairs, and trash cans. “Use em! Use em!”, he continued. I was able to pull him aside to speak to him. My “source” into the brawl, this man-oaf, labored on; beginning with the “dawn of man” he shoddily recapped the history of man’s desire to fight instead of reasonably discussing differences. “Man has always fought. Building a martial-political society around it only seems natural. Hell, this is my 4th beatdown this week. “ His clearly rehearsed essay on the history of fighting seemed to pique the interest of those around him. It appears as if this isn’t stopping any time soon.

“Debate Clubs” have been popping up around the US touting a set of contrived, yet clearly plagiarized rules.

“Rule 1: you do not talk about Debate Club.”

Rule 2: you do not talk about Debate Club.”

And, unfortunately, so on…

These underground clubs pit political opponents against one another. Palinites vs. Obamacrats. Tea Partiers vs. Liberals. And, that day at the Lexington, KY rally: MoveOn vs. Rand Paul supporters. These makeshift pugilists willing to ‘settle their disagreements’ are thrust into a crude ring surrounded by gawkers and those waiting to fight. Missing teeth and cauliflower ears become badges of dedication to politicians. One man, fighting against “Corporal Punishment” told me, “If they’re not gonna listen to my pleas for the sanctity of every human life, I might as well vehemently beat it into them.”

A high note in an otherwise turbid sea of brutality is the fact that political interest has increased. The previously untapped demographic of 18-30 yr old, ‘Tap-Out’ bumper sticker’ed, tribal tattooed men is now gaining credibility. “Half the battle in politics is looking like you fight and thinking you are good at it.”, slurred a brutish, yet remarkably tanned fighter. “I mean, you walk in the ring wearing an Affliction tee an’ BAM instant political cred (sic).”

There is no word on whether politicians will begin sponsoring such clothing providers. However, some minor Florida candidates have shown informal support to a local franchise of ‘Miami Nightz Spray Tan and Salon’. Upon questioning of such a ridiculous sponsorship, they responded by roughing me up and tossing me in a dumpster. I don’t know what to make of it, but boy could they debate.

-Cauldron of Hate

  1. Ready 2 Rumble says:

    Where can I get involved in debate? I’m willing to drape my scrawny, underdeveloped accountant’s body in Affliction gear and fight for freedom.

    • cauldronofhate says:

      Ready 2 Rumble, first find something about which you are passionate (politics, religion, my best guess would be sports and nothing but). Then find someone who shares opposing views. Finally, instead of rationally discussing viewpoints, throw ‘bows and gut-kick your “opponent” into line with your opinions. Such behavior is the height of human intelligence and the pinnacle of civilization.

      Optional: Lift weights to maintain your post-debate pump.

  2. discocowboi says:

    Marketplace of ideas? Pssssh. Marketplace of PAIN.

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