Political Avatar System: A New Hope for Congress

Posted: October 13, 2010 by Magnus of Longshanks in From the Porch:
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Most ideologues are ugly. Nothing against them, but it’s the truth. Just look at what poor Karl Marx was working with.

Anyway, it’s really a shame, because ugly thinkers and ideologues are starting to completely ruin America’s most influential show business: politics.

Work with me.

If you haven’t realized that we consider our modern political system to be anything more than an incredibly expensive stage-play, then well…we consider our modern political system to be nothing more than an incredibly expensive stage-play.

In all other fictions that we participate in, we expect a certain aesthetic benchmark to be met. Who wants to watch anything on TV that features regular people as unattractive as you are ( do you hear me Public Television?).  It doesn’t happen. You want to see caricatures of yourself; handsome, successful caricatures.

Why aren’t we demanding the same thing from the politicans we ( you) elect to tell us stories about the way things really are? It’s a double standard. A double standard the LDPK is about to start opposing.

The Lazer Dragon Party Kollective is suggesting that the nation adopt a little system we came up with called the Political Avatar System.

Here’s how it works.

When the usual assortment of ugly old white men get elected – and reelected – to national office, their election committee would pick a Harlequin romance cover model to be the public representation – or “Avatar” – of the official. In the true spirit of “democracy,” the wizened, corrupt Boss Hogg’s of Congress would still be able to vote and take bribes, but when the ten o’clock news comes on, we don’t have to be afflicted with the reminder of the kind of people we actually let make decisions.

Officials would simply dictate their platitudes through a headset for their avatar to repeat. With the help of Bluetooth technology, our government could be run by a Congress just as corrupt, but a hundred times easier on the eyes.

Here’s an example. Instead of looking at Steny Hoyer on the tube saying whatever he says, we would hear the same lies delivered by the strapping, vaguely Latin-looking man in a poet shirt from the cover of the novel your wife got at Walgreens. Still lies? Of course, but at least they would get interesting.

It might go something like this:

Political Avatar: ” Raoul Pantherthighs, Lord of the Pirates declares that your taxes shall be raised.”

Me: ” That handsome son of a bitch. He’s got a point.”

Political: ” Likewise shall we of Congress pull you into the brawny, glistening embrace of socialized medicine. You pretend not to want it, but we all know that doesn’t mean anything. Like the chamber maid in Chapter Six of  “Prince of Wolves, Prince of Hearts.”

Me: ” I guess free medicine doesn’t sound so bad…”

Political Avatar: ” Now, off to seek that toothesome wench from the Energy and Commerce Commitee!”


Really, it’s the smartest thing Big Government could ever do. The Tea Party movement would dissolve overnight.

Think about it. Anyone can throw Nancy Pelosi under the bus now, but who wants to be the guy holding the angry sign at a rally when ” Nancy Pelosi’s Policy”  is now brought to you by  * insert name of beautiful woman that you would feel bad mocking.*

Obviously, Congress would have to lay down some basic rules about choosing Political Avatars consistent with your race and gender.  Really it’s baffling that C-Span didn’t look into this years ago to deal with lagging viewers.

Instead of watching failure and corruption, you’re just watching a version of Mad Men. It’s a thought.

  1. Giggity Goo says:

    The sad thing – which I understand that you are already satirizing – is that a lot of people vote for people to represent them, based on little more than a picture and a catch phrase. It might as well be Senator TakeaBribe.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Lord LongSaber had better check the family values vote, or he’s not getting my vote!

  3. Fabio says:

    I’ll vote for those abs any day of the week

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