We Pledge to Require Pledging

Posted: October 8, 2010 by Magnus of Longshanks in From the Porch:
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Come on. They sign everyone else’s pledges.

Every political party and third-party group out there has some pledge or contract for politicians and toadies ( candidates) to sign. Usually it’s something pretty open-ended like “ I promise not to raise taxes.” Other groups go for pledges they can get candidates to sign with little trouble, like “ I pledge not to personally club infant Harp seals.”

Obviously these pledges have been working pretty well, as seal clubbing has all but disappeared in the highest levels of government.

We admit that some of the more conventional political parties have gotten the drop on us in the pledge department, and we’re doing everything we can to remedy the situation. Let’s be honest. Why would you do anything if you’re not trying to win? Exactly. Unless you’re one of those people who drink because you like the taste.

While we don’t consider ourselves part of the nation’s system (read “ cesspool of wasted time and effort”), and really couldn’t give a rat’s ass about what the GOP and Democratic parties do, we all hate the idea of them winning at making stuff up. Oh that’s right. We could spend the rest of our lives writing fan fiction addendums to the Left Behind series and never come close to matching the fantasy world invented by our two-party system!

That said, we’re going to give this pledge thing a shot.

That’s why the LDPK has recently formed the “High Committee on Making Sh*t Up,” ( HCOMSU) and ordered them to come up with a list of pledges and moral contracts to send out to elected officials and candidates.

After feverishly working through Happy Hour, the HCOMSU came up with the following offerings:

– Pledge to bring America back to Americans: It just sounds nice.

– The No Daytime-Sex Pledge: Protecting what made America great: sex under cover of darkness.

– Contract with Sasquatch: A pledge to fight for all Americans who long for freedom from fear.

– Beers for Tears: A pledge to grow government alcohol subsidies for the willfully unemployed.

– The I Love Freedom Pledge: a promise to strangle a terrorist with your bare hands before taking office.

Seriously, pick the pledge that most indicates what you’re looking for in an elected official ( or write your own), and we will make it up and send it out.

It’s porch time.

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Comments
  1. Afternoon Delight Pledge: Pledge against No Day-time Sex Pledge…

  2. cauldronofhate says:

    I heard Dick Cheney has been abiding by the ‘I Love Freedom Pledge’ since his cat was stolen in the 3rd grade by a “suspiciously tan boy”.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Definitely the ” I love Freedom Pledge.” We should not elect someone who we don’t know is commited to freedom

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