” We’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the Toby Keith way!”

Another “Outsider Perspective” from the LDPK’s own embedded reporter, Cauldron of Hate. Where does this guy find his contacts?

FREEDOM, NE- The final name has been written. Thousands of Tea Party members got what they wanted. The petition was granted. Beginning back in early 2009, Tea Party members formed a petition to change the name of Omaha, Nebraska to Freedom, Nebraska due its resemblance to the leader of our nation’s last name. President Obama was unable to comment on the passing of the petition either out of scheduling conflicts or general lack of interest. “We can’t have our beautiful city being tied to The Commie-in-Chief any longer.”, one enraged,  intoxicated Freedom resident slurred. This “success” comes on the heels of a full, nationwide plan by Tea Partiers to “Americanize” more of the nation’s “leftist-titled city names”.

All across the US, petitions have been instated to change city names. Lebanon, PA will be become Uncle Sam, PA. Baghdad, GA is pushing to be called Jesus Christ, GA. Arab, AL has bitterly fought to become Never Forget, AL. And, of course, the controversial city of Death to Infidels, CO wants to be called Toby Keith, CO.

It has been determined that the push is being led by the Tea Party Kingpin known only as Everyman. We are unaware, at this time, of the identity of this disembodied sensationalist. What little information we have on him we gleaned from last month’s video diatribe “leaked” to the White House. Flanked on either side by men armed with rifles, the masked Party leader shouts epithets, through a Southern drawl, towards DC liberals for trying to “literally tax the pants off us” and for “spreading Communist propaganda like some mechanized, Communist Robin Hood. Spreading the wealth with its robotic, android arms.” From this video we can only deduce that he is lacking in intelligent metaphors and has a fascination with robots. The videos are sparse and of poor quality, appearing to be filmed in a cave or some rock-faced lean-to.

Along with the push to “Americanize” said cities, Tea Partiers are beginning to change names within our lexicon.  Shoddily assembled “Obama-villes” are popping up across the US. Unlike the “Hoovervilles” of the 1920’s, these shanty towns are not actually functioning. Party Members sleep, eat, and watch TV at home, only to drive to the Obama-villes to “trash the place up” and keep it “looking like the hell-hole that is our country right now”. Among Obama-villes, Obama Flags and Barack Blankets are making a comeback. “Clearly these are tryin’ times. An’ the best we can do is make The Commie unwelcome in these parts”, gummed a local business owner and Tea Party member.

At this time, the Tea Party has dropped affiliation with a loosely assembled group of “freedom fighters” pushing to change the word ‘gun’ in the dictionary. Proposed new names are “Commie Cannons” or, the less thought out, “Hand Held Freedom Propagators”. We are unsure why The Tea Party has dropped affiliation. However, when the announcement was made, many members snickered; offering subtle elbow jabs to one another. It is clear the Party has dropped affiliation purely for appearances. As one member failed to whisper, “Hey man, this idea’s too good pass up.”

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Comments
  1. lmao.. Toby Keith, CO, that’s great. “Hand Held Freedom Propagators” also great.

  2. Boot in Their Ass says:

    I bet they would like to “literally tax the pants off of us.” Larry Craig would be in on the ground floor of that legislation!

    Is there a way to make ” America” even more American sounding? Great post from the cauldron of hate.

  3. Magnus of Longshanks says:

    Cauldron, where the hell do you find these contacts? We try to get you drunk at every party meeting just to find out how you know these people!

    Good work. Keep it coming!

    – Magnus, Laird of Castle Longshanks

    • cauldronofhate says:

      It’s not a sense of responsibility that me from telling my sources. It’s more poor organizational skills that keeps me from knowing who they are.

  4. discocowboi says:

    **Editor’s Note: This comment was relayed to discocowboi by an acquaintance not yet familiar with “them computers and whatnot.”**

    “What Cauldron-a-hate says really relates what I feel and such. The War on Terror starts at home… if we can’t even get our cities’ names right we caint fight no terrorists. A city what’s named after a terrorist aint no city a mine. Keep up the good work, Cauldron.”

    • cauldronofhate says:

      I’m glad this piece spoke to you, discocowboi. Even if it said the wrong things.

      • discocowboi says:

        @cauldron:

        You know I’m only relaying what my people tell me. This particular individual did not seem to me to be one who picks up on the subtler things in life.

        “Wait… you mean that story was one of them liberal sat-tires?!”

  5. Boot in Their Ass says:

    We need to make sure some of those foreign sounding names like “Nevada” and “Massachussetts” get names that sound more American.

  6. Shucks says:

    I’m glad you and the other Amigos had a good laugh at the expense of the people around you who are actually trying to do something. Sure, I get the satire, and even laughed a little, but I think you’re missing a serious concern. There really ARE people who want to take our heritage, undermine our way of life, and teach people to hate America and themselves. We shouldn’t go around renaming cities, but we DO need to make sure the America-hating element doesn’t do the same thing. In your desire to mock the Tea Party, don’t miss the real people you should be worried about. Here’s a hint – they just tried to set up a symbol of victory near sacred ground in one of our largest cities. Ring a bell?

    Shucks

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