October: The Party Month

Posted: October 4, 2010 by Magnus of Longshanks in From the Porch:
Tags: , , , , , , ,


“If the neighbors don’t like it, they can go back inside.” – Herbie, an unwitting LDPK member

As the temperature drops, and the trees head in for a wardrobe change, party members and non-party members alike may hear a sweet and seductive voice on the breeze whispering ” Oktoberfest.”

While that sultry voice could turn out to be discocowboi after a few lagers, it could also be Autumn urging you to throw a party for your friends.

Consider this: School is back in, memories from summer vacation are fading fast, and the football season is just far enough in to let you know your team isn’t going far.

While many a haggard desk jockey would be overwhelmed by these circumstances (and perhaps try to overcome them by wearing that flannel shirt your wife said made you look “brawny” ten years ago), the LDPK encourages you to get off your ass, and go show the rest of your boring neighbors how to have a good time.

The first rule of throwing a good party in October is “don’t get stressed” in the planning stage.

Partying is about thinking on the good times and showing hospitality to your friends. Plus, chances are you have a neighbor in the GOP who is stressing out enough to cover everyone else who comes to your party.  If you should start to worry about the guest list, or how many brats to buy, just stroll out in the front yard, locate your GOP neighbor and pass that stress right off to him.

Usually a simple ” Hey Rick, I sure hope those environmentalists don’t come after you for burning leaves!” will suffice. On to provisions.

A one-stop-shop exists for you to plan and provision your October party: The beer aisle.

In this cool, calming environment you think on the joys ahead of you, and also facilitate the joys ahead of you with a few well-chosen purchases. Be sure not to skimp on quantity. Bear in mind that a party well stocked with beer will never wind down early. You can have the best food in the world, but when the annoying guy who got the pity invite cracks the last can in the ice tub, you can bet that the the party is going to be over soon.

Many people would -wrongly- tell you that you must purchase Oktoberfests, Marzens and Bocks if you are to throw a real Oktober party. These people are also fat men eating sausages in little leather shorts, so turn right around and walk to the other side of the aisle; the aisle where cheap American lager can be found in large quantity for little cost.

Your guests long to enjoy the weather and your company, not to quibble over how much hops was involved in the brewing process. Grab those cans of Bud and bottles of PBR, and get back to your porch.

Whatever you do, don’t make the rookie mistake of not purchasing an extra stock for you to consume whilst cleaning, cooking and waiting for your guests. No one wants to show up and see you completely sober. You know your strengths and weaknesses. Be man enough to admit that personality is under the “weakness” list, and let Sweet Lady High Life step in where nature left off.

Now that you have enough beer ( and hopefully ice) to keep the party going no matter what, consider the other necessities.

Let’s be honest, having to eat a bunch of foods with plastic utensils is a Tea Party-rally-level pain in the ass. You have to awkwardly manipulate your soggy plate, spork and bottle, while trying to listen to the boring man from the cul-de-sac tell you about the Ford Freestyle’s safety rating. Move past that. No one needs salad at your party. Keep the foods limited to items you can consume Grendel style with your bare hands. Wings, brats, hotdogs and ribs are all fine examples of truly considerate grilling fare. Trays of carrots and what-not can more than meet the requirement for healthy side dishes.

Let’s say you heed this wisdom, and things are going great at your party.  You’re on your porch with strategically-placed coolers of beer, eating wings without the handicap of utensils, and surveying the grateful faces of your friends. It’s time for the coup-de-grace. Tunes.

Good music can take the party from regular “good,” to “ThreeBillz just lost his shirt and is halfway up the chimney” good. Put together a solid playlist of party-friendly tracks on iTunes well before the day of your party. Spend some time on it; people will notice. If you don’t have iTunes, try out Grooveshark.com, an internet radio site where you can easily construct a mix of songs that fits your party.

Be willing to subject your own preferences to for the greater good of the party – or “kollective” if you will. If you know someone is going to spend the night bitching about you playing urban tunes (rap), then intersperse your choices with some more sedate Motown or classic 80’s jams. Side note: If you don’t like Motown then you have no business throwing a party, and if you invited someone who doesn’t, then again, you shouldn’t be throwing a party.

Who knows? Your strategic playlist could in turn result in spontaneous dancing, which of course means you just got turned up to eleven. When you see the huddled masses of overwrought suburbanites liberated by the power of music and beer on your own porch, you will know what it means to be a Lazer Dragon.

So there you have it. Get a lot of cheap beer, wings, and a good playlist, and throw a party that will make a real difference in the community. LDPK style.

As one of the cooler neighbors we know once said-

” If the neighbors don’t like it, they can go back inside.”

  1. TooFunkyForYou says:

    This is going to give me the inspiration I need to throw a Homeowners’ Association-shattering party. If they don’t like it, they can go back inside.

    Party for freedom.

    Party for justice.

    Most of all, just party.

  2. Tues_morning_partier says:

    @Lazer Dragon Party Kollective,

    What’s the best way to encourage people to dance at my party, and should I ridicule those who refuse?

    • discocowboi says:


      We at the LDPK firmly believe that dancing at a party is integral to that party achieving all that it can achieve. Dance it one of the purest forms of communication, and several members of the LDPK leadership choose to communicate exclusively through dance, whether or not they are at a party. Further, dancing with friends is way more important–and useful–than many activities conducted by other political “parties” at their functions. Why would you want to waste time nominating some ridiculous candidate to go forth from the convention and hit on 19 year-old staffers when you could impress your friends with the newest move you came up with?

      As you can see, the importance of dance requires that you do everything you can to make sure it happens at your party. To make this happen, keep the beer flowing and clear some space. Feel the pulse of your crowd, and pick the music accordingly. Some groups want to trance out for a bit, while others want to pipe in the disco til the shag carpet has a hole in it. Only you can make that call.

      As for those who refuse–the “squares,” as we shall call them–there is a very simple way to deal with them. First, plant a fellow LDPK member in their midst who will pretend to join in with their hatred of dancing. Next, put on your best moves and lock eyes with the LDPK member planted amongst the squares. Continue to dance for at least 30 minutes, never breaking eye contact with your conspirator. After this time, have the LDPK member “reluctantly” get out of his seat/corner and slowly make your way to the party. It will appear as if you “seduced” someone onto the dance floor. Lastly, return your gaze to the remaining squares. They will realize they have no choice, as the power of your gaze is too much.

      Hope this helps.

  3. Awww Yeaah says:

    I want my wife to read this next time we plan a party.

  4. Grinder says:

    If you are all about everyone just doing their thing then why does anyone have to dance at all? It seems like if someone isn’t in to it, then they should have their choice to not like dancing supported. I mean, will it make you have less of a good time, disco?

  5. discocowboi says:


    True, the LDPK would never truly force someone to dance, nor would it dampen an LDPK-attended party if some persons chose not to participate.

    However, what the LDPKs do value is the truth: partying + dancing = 11 on the fun scale. The fun scale only goes up to 10. If we can show a few people how to get there, it’s been a worthwhile event.

  6. cauldronofhate says:

    Partying is a bit like breaking horse. If you push too hard to make it great, it could backfire and fail. However, by living in the moment and feeling the rippling, leaping muscles running taut under its lean horse-body you can……oh lost my train of thought. Well, just party hard. Let’s just say that.

  7. threebillz says:

    I do not approve of the consumption of Anheuseur Busch products. Fascist freedom haters. Using the socialist legal system to monopolize the free market.

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