DOJ Report: LDPK “Not Worth Wiretapping.”

Posted: September 28, 2010 by discocowboi in Uncategorized
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This Logo Is Less Embarrassing Than Anyone You Will Ever Vote For

WASHINGTON, D.C. (LDPK News Affiliate) – The United States Department of Justice (DOJ) announced Monday in a report that the newly formed Lazer Dragon Party Collective—the “LDPK”—has been added to the DOJ’s the little-known Non-Watch List, the opposite of the much-popularized Terrorist Watch List.  A group’s placement on the Non-Watch List usually indicates that the Federal Government views the group as “less than a threat,” a category reserved for organizations considered “laughable” by law enforcement agencies.

An official for DOJ, speaking on the condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the report, commented on the department’s decision: “Quite frankly, these guys do nothing whatsoever that is worth monitoring,” said the official.  “I mean, I was kind of hoping, for their sake, that their activities were exciting enough to spend a little money wiretapping their phones, but it’s just not there,” continued the official.  “The only threat these guys pose to anything is the fact that they regularly deprive the local corner store of its supply of cheap beer, and that’s about it.”  The official would not elaborate further, though he did add that he “forgot to mention that they do eat a lot of Thai food, which is kind of odd.”

The report notes that the DOJ performed a preliminary evaluation of the LDPK by placing an informant in their ranks throughout the summer of 2010.  The informant—who would not reveal his identity in a telephone interview for this article, though he sounded as if he were tall and had red hair—recounted his experience at one of the first meetings of the Lazer Dragons: “It was, like, nonstop dancing.  Dancing, dancing, dancing . . . and menthol cigarettes.  How could I forget about the menthols?  I think I’m going to smell like a bowling alley for about a year.”

The informant also emphasized the LDPK’s apathy toward relevant, hot-button political issues: “I kept waiting for them to address substantive issues, but it never happened.  I’d try to inject some serious discussion into the meeting, and one of them would be like ‘EVERYBODY SHUT UP!  T.I. just came on the radio!  Show some respect.’  It was seriously like that all summer.  How could I recommend that we spend taxpayer dollars monitoring these people?”

According to their own website, the LDPK was formed in 2010 by a group of individuals self-identifying as “fed up” with the “ridiculous” two-party system present in modern-day America.  The group aims to demonstrate, through its conduct and its blog, that “drinking beer and sitting on the porch is a more valuable pursuit than supporting political parties who do nothing more than regurgitate tired platitudes to a captive audience.”  When asked to comment on the DOJ’s report, an LDPK spokesman replied: “For the last time, no one at the residence ordered a ShakeWeig—oh, you’re calling about that DOJ thing.”  The spokesman was then asked to respond to the notion that the government considers the LDPK of no significance.  “Of course they think we’re totally insignificant,” said the spokesman, “but it’s our contention that the government, the two major political parties, the Tea Party, and any other group that doesn’t want to party with us are insignificant as well.”  “Bam!” emphasized the spokesman.  Continuing, the LDPK member stated: “While the GOP runs around claiming ‘family values’ on one hand and deleting salacious text messages with the other, and the Dems ineffectively do whatever it is they do, and the Tea Bags sit around being angry, we stick to our motto: Just As Legitimate.  Half as embarrassing.”

When presented with the official statements made by the LDPK concerning the report, the DOJ official quipped: “you can see why we don’t want to waste any money on these clowns.  Still, you have to admire their spirit.  After all, someone’s got to put the ‘party’ in ‘political party.’”

“Will do,” replied the LDPK spokesman.

  1. BeRightDown says:

    Looking forward to getting more truth from the LDPK. Can we expect any editorial articles on the current political environment?

    • discocowboi says:

      We’ll make sure that LDPK leadership regularly reaffirms our apathy towards the current political environment and current political issues. Have no fear.

  2. threebillz says:

    I think we need more articles on untaxed whiskey personally. And the Whiskey Rebellion. Basically just whiskey.

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