There and Back Again

Posted: April 2, 2012 by Lazer Dragon Party Kollective in From the Porch:

It’s been a tough few months for the LDPK.

Though we told ourselves early on that we would shun the cunning trap of American politics, the lure of power and prestige may have been too much for even our cynicism-hardened cadre.

Over the past months, the inner circle of the LDPK power structure was wracked with internal dissent. Do we throw the prodigious weight of our organization behind a likely candidate? Do we leverage the respect we’ve garnered as pundits and policy wizards to get a place at the table? Like too many others, the offers of power and influence had more of an impact on our governing board than we would ever like to admit.

It’s shameful, considering our roots, but we trust that our members and loyal readers will be moved by our openness, even in this hour of our failure.

That’s why – after long hours of soul-searching and heated discourse – the LDPK is casting off the ponderous shackles of convention, and reaffirming our commitment to not giving a rat’s ass.

In fact, we’re promising our followers that they will never again worry about their party leadership kowtowing to a system so base as to even marginalize the asses of rats!

In the days to come, you can expect to be enlightened and revitalized by the written insights that drew legions of followers to our party in the first place.

Policy analysis, 3 Billz “Heartburn,” beer reviews, and cultural assessments are all back on the table, people. It’s what we owe you, and what we do best.

Hold on. We don’t owe you anything! See how easy it is to slip away from a platform. Hold that. We don’t have a platform.

In short: We’re Back.

 

 

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While the LDPK has no political affiliations with anyone currently running for president (we will update you on our choice later…and it is probably the three toed sloth) it is a shame to see the media constantly ignoring a person who is obviously making waves.

Ron Paul has been rocking the libertarian schtick for years, seemingly hundreds of them, and the dude still gets no love. His voting record has always been legit, and there have been very few questions as to his legitimacy. Yet for some reason– and despite winning or coming in second in many straw polls, he gets ignored.

I mean it is so bad that he actually placed second in the Iowa straw poll with like 27% of the vote, and a certain news outlet, that will remain nameless, DID NOT EVEN EFFING MENTION HIM, but opted instead to mention some dude who dropped out of the race, and a dude who came in behind the dude who dropped out.

So what we have here is a biased media trying to shut down Mr. Paul, and I wonder why. Does his rhetoric so affect their status quo that he should not even be heard? Thank the Lord for the 14th district that at least is consistently voting in a voice of dissent for our paunchy congress.

Maybe if they had a different marketing approach?

No one made you play Edward 4 Loko Hands. You know that full well, and so does everybody else at the party. Go ahead, deal with the shame that of making out with the dorm maintenance guy, but don’t try to blame it on 4 Loko.

I guess it really doesn’t matter if you blame 4 Loko or not, because the FDA has already decided that you wouldn’t have acted like a slut without 24 oz of caffeine-infused rotgut. Thanks to an FDA “letter of warning” that condemns the wildly popular beverage’s mixture of ingredients, the booze mavens behind 4 Loko are going to end up stripping out everything that, well…made it 4 Loko.

Laird Magnus wants to know if anyone at the FDA has ever seen a pharmaceutical ad? The obvious answer is “yes.” Well then, has anyone ever taken notice of the comically-long list of  physical malfunctions that could happen if you take the meds the ad was hawking? The FDA seems to have reconciled with those eventualities.

Random Sap: ” I’ve had a boner for ten hours.”

FDA: ” Hope it was worth it, Totem Pole! Get it?”

Other Random Sap: ” My bros didn’t think I could shotgun two 4 Lokos before ” Semi-Charmed Life” was over. The hospital sucks, man.”

FDA: ” We’re shutting those monsters down! You’ll never be a victim again.”

Obviously the LDPK isn’t going to encourage anyone to drink 4 Loko. We’re lager drinkers ( discocowboi, we know about the wine coolers), and proud of it. At the same time, if someone wants to drink caffeine booze, then go for it. Is the FDA going to go around to bars shutting down Red Bull and vodka drinkers? No.

The LDPK may have a problem with the FDA continually pulling this kind of thing, but that isn’t going to change anything, and we know that.

Farewell, 4 Loko. You didn’t just mix caffeine and cheap liquor; you mixed a digit and phonetic spelling in your name, and that deserves commendation.

Back to the porch.

discocowboi: I hate myself for loving you.

Compelled by destiny and tormented by fate, LPDK party leadership continued upon their epic quest to conquer their list of ultra-cheap, highly criticized brews.  Fighting through the scorn (and the taste) party leaders bravely battled through a twelve pack of Busch Ice, and emerged victorious over yet another bottom-of-the-barrel brew.

At the end of the experience, party members sat exhausted and impressed by the sheer scale of their accomplishment.  “An accomplishment worthy of song throughout the ages,” in the words of LPDK’s own Magnus of Longshanks.

In other words, it was a normal Wednesday night at party headquarters.

Initial reviews of Busch Ice, taken from sips of the beer while not yet cold (in order to see what it’s like “without any makeup,” according to Magnus) were mixed:

Magnus: “This stuff takes like metal.”

cauldronofhate: “When I bring it to my mouth to take a sip, I catch a whiff of a B.O.-type smell.”

discocowboi: “I like it…. what?”

Though 2 of 3 of the party members present had no taste for the beer, LDPK leadership are not ones to back away from a challenge.  Thus, the group headed to the porch to finish the unpleasant task at hand.  Buoyed by camaraderie, and steeled by the sweet taste of Black & Mild wood tip wine-flavored cigars, party leadership slew the beast at hand in a few hours of “erudite”* conversation doused with puerile giggling.

“Yeah we’re never doing that again,” insisted cauldron.  “That stuff was terrible… no more ice beers for a while,” responded Magnus.  Apparently oblivious to the conversation, discocowboi kept asking for popcorn and mumbling that he was “not having a good time.”  But at the end of the day, Busch Ice became yet another cheap beer notched into LDPK’s collective bedpost.  Wholly unremarkable save for the slight stench of body odor, Busch Ice has nonetheless been vanquished and reviewed for the benefit of LDPK’s readership.  On to Beer #3…

*”erudite” is LDPK parlance for “excessive Lord of the Rings references.”  To demonstrate, Busch Ice apparently makes Magnus feel as if he is King Theoden of Rohan: “If this $6.75 ice lager is to be the end of us, then I would have it be such an end as to be worthy of remembrance in song!”  And then later, as a roach scurries across the porch and Magnus tries to enlist other party members in the futile attempt to kill it: “DEATH!  DEATH! RIDE TO RUIN, AND THE WORLD’S ENDING!”

That must be a sublime hotdog

Recently, the highest levels of LDPK leadership joined with our own imbedded reporter “cauldronofhate” to defeat a list of cheap beers that we had heretofore been too embarrassed to purchase. This quest was embarked on after one LDPK member announced his plan to try to “beat” all the cheap beers at his local grocery store by drinking them alone. Another of the members present pointed out, ” why beat it alone, when we can all beat it together?”

That weekend we were on the porch with a case if Milwaukee’s Best Ice.

When we talk about a “Beers o’ Shame List,” you know the brews we’re talking about. The beers from across the tracks that you’ve always been curious about, but always been too embarrassed to actually buy. The LDPK is taking that step for you. These beers are the like the fat girl you don’t want your buddies to know you actually have a thing for. There’s a lot there to love, but you don’t necessarily want to take the relationship public. Well, the LDPK just took a case of Beast Ice out to meet the boys.

First off, yes, it was embarrassing to buy Beast Ice. Second, when it is cooled down in the freezer to just above freezing, the beverage is pretty much indiscernable from any other cheap ( very cheap) beer.

Here are a few scientific notes on The Beast Ice:

– It tastes like sheet metal.

– Don’t drink this unless it is uncomfortably cold outside. There needs to be an element of distraction when dealing with the crafty and powerful beer. You don’t want to be focused on the taste; that would be like deconstructing Wayne’s World 2.

– This had a noticeably more potent affect on Magnus of Longshanks than it did on discocowboi. Why this is, we don’t know, but Magnus did giggle alot (which was weird).

– The cans look pretty cool.

Here’s where you get into trouble with Beast Ice. Unlike most cheap American lagers, The Beast Ice is 6% ABV. It doesn’t seem like much, but if you’re committing to drinking a lot of cheap,watery beer over the course of the evening, it’s going to get you into trouble. It exists to get you messed up fast, and for under 7 dollars. Hey, it’s a market niche, but probably not one you want to live in.

As cauldronofhate put it, ” It made me feel alive, yet made me aware of the proximity of alcoholism.”

Overall, The Beast Ice was drinkable. Not in the way Riesling is “drinkable,” but literally in the ” the best thing this drink has going for it is that it’s a cold liquid” way.  Unless you’re throwing a party for street people you might want to avoid Beast Ice.

If you were to try it out ( seriously, try it for yourself) the LDPK  – ok, mainly discocowboi – highly recommends accompanying the drink with a Black N Mild. If you don’t know what that is…we’re just sorry.

Now that the Beast Ice has been vanquished, the LDPK leadership is moving on to another ” Beer of Shame” to taste. Stay tuned!

-LDPK

LPDK Election Night Coverage: Voter Reaction

Posted: November 2, 2010 by discocowboi in Wisdom Bombs

As we all know, tonight is a night near and dear to many Americans: back-to-back-to-back-to-back episodes of Sanford & Son on TV Land from 6 to 8 p.m.

For some of us, it is Election Night, when we gather around the TV and watch many nicely dressed persons fumble with telestraters in an attempt to circle obscure, “swing” counties.  But don’t worry about CNN: LDPK has your Election Night covered.

Earlier today, party leader discocowboi took to the streets with LDPK’s own imbedded reporter, cauldronofhate.  In lieu of having to work hard/maintaining any type of journalistic integrity, disco and cauldron honed in on the first person to make eye contact with them as they walked down the street.  This person, who identified himself only as a “republican/democrat generic voter easily placated by hollow platitudes,” let us in on how he was feeling:

“Yay/boo!  My candidate won/lost!  America is finally back on track/America is doomed.  We are returning to greatness in the world/Chinese paratroopers will be here shortly to kill us all and take our women.    We will finally get more jobs and my 401(k) will explode/Tomorrow I will be sitting on a trash heap looking for soda can tabs.”

When informed that he sounded like nothing more than someone who fell asleep listening to MSBNBC and then rolled over and accidentally bumped the remote to Fox News for the rest of the night, “voter” responded: “well, what I am supposed to do… think for myself?  Psssh.”

After the interview concluded, disco and cauldron felt like they had their finger on the pulse of this election.  With no need for further interviews, and with the first episode of Sanford & Son rapidly approaching, they returned to party headquarters to “watch the results come in.”*

So the casual reader may be wondering, “what is the official LDPK position on today’s festivities?”  Our message is simple: GET OFF THE SCRIPT.

 

discocowboi

 

 

*”watch the results come in” is LPDK parlance for eating wings and drinking light beer.

 

Cauldron of Hate reports on a political phenomenon that he swears “really is” sweeping the nation.

-LDPK

LEXINGTON, KY– At a Rand Paul rally in Lexington, KY, a “liberal activist” was forced to the ground and pinned there by the foot of a, we’ll call him, ‘zealous’ supporter of Rand Paul. The heated exchange between the two opposing activists ended in violence. This disturbing trend is gaining steam among the less intelligent supporters of candidates. Festooned in political stickers and, ironically, ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ pins, the activists look to “curb stomp their candidate into office”.

“Town hall meetings, debates, and political rallies are powderkegs of emotion and potential powerbombs. Fighting is the only way a society can protect its beliefs and strangle, uh I mean, silence dissidents.” , drawled one hulking, drooling man-oaf.

Witnesses distinctly heard this man at the scene seething, shouting, “More, more! Leg drop, leg drop!” He began throwing money, chairs, and trash cans. “Use em! Use em!”, he continued. I was able to pull him aside to speak to him. My “source” into the brawl, this man-oaf, labored on; beginning with the “dawn of man” he shoddily recapped the history of man’s desire to fight instead of reasonably discussing differences. “Man has always fought. Building a martial-political society around it only seems natural. Hell, this is my 4th beatdown this week. “ His clearly rehearsed essay on the history of fighting seemed to pique the interest of those around him. It appears as if this isn’t stopping any time soon. Read the rest of this entry »